Dear Madina:

“I had abusive violent relationships…in other relationships I keep sabotaging love. I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them… I always feel that uncertain feeling in all my relationships, that’s why I try to avoid them, even friendships…  I can’t have normal relationships, because I am used to violent and abusive relationships… in all my life I always question my identity, like who am I, what do I want, what if I am not the person that I Am…  And this fear and pressure that I feel all the time inside!… do you understand what I am saying?“-

-yes I do. Actually, I relate to all of what I quoted above. I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder  11 years ago, but I know that the diagnosis applied to me since I was 20 or so (I no longer fit the diagnosis).

Wikipedia: Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD),  is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions… To be diagnosed, a person must meet at least five of the following: * Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment * Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships… * Markedly disturbed sense of identity and distorted self-image… People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing their identity clearly. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy. They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This can cause people with BPD to feel ’empty’ and “lost”. Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy. People with BPD may base their identity on others, leading to chameleon-like changes in identity”-

– do you relate?

anita