Dear humour:

I read all that you posted here since November 2015 and took my time doing so. You are in your later 30s, I gather. Still a vegetarian (?) I wonder if you incorporated eggs into your diet and/or other protein sources, like a doctor suggested long ago. I wonder how you are doing in regard to cravings/ overeating  sweets, your allergies and stress headaches… and watching too much TV?

My current understanding is based on the following quotes, your own words  (the boldface feature is my addition): “I get easily attached to people and go through immense suffering as a result (Sept 2016)… I’ve had a challenge with being assertive because I feel that I might ‘hurt’ people. I feel like making good memories at work and enjoying my time with friends… I take the hurt upon myself without speaking out…  some people chew off of your confidence to stand out and shine… I read a quote and someone’s interpretation of it. It just calmed me down instantly. I felt liberated at that moment. The quote is ‘The lion and tiger might be stronger, but the wolf does not perform in circus‘… circuses.. usually represent..  captivity… tiger + lion) may have this (strength)…  (wolf) has something better or just as good (freedom).. You should decide what kind of person you want to be based on which is more important to you (strength/recognition or freedom).. If you are the best, you may get recognition and praise, but you will never be free… I don’t stand up for myself when someone speaks hurtfully and I am not sure of the reason… I finally want to make some good memories in life and make friends… I’ll work on making good memories…. Once I am assertive, I get all sensitive thinking I hurt the other person” (October 2016).

“I want to get back to being cheerful… I want to be able to take care of myself and be less of a martyr. I want to find love, freedom, joy within myself and without… I am in my early 30s. I feel like I am 60… I am getting frustrated with regrets, things not turning out the way I wanted it to, my efforts not being recognised, me not able to meet my own expectations, people pleasing. I’ve had enough! I want to forget everything, be reborn and just have fun” (January 2017).

“Just to set a context, I want to a write a line or two about my family. We have been through extremely tough times. We have not spent time together, not had a meal together, never went on a vacation together. Basically we never made any memories… My mother spent the last many years taking care of my dad who was very ill and almost confined to the bed. All of us have been depressed on and off.… my mother has grown weak, physically and emotionally… I am really worried if I can let go off my mother. If we had good times as a family, maybe my feelings would have been different. I feel extremely sad that we have intimately suffered as a family… she (mother) has never had a joyous marriage/family life. Through all this I have been extremely attached to my family always trying to make ours ‘a happy family’. It never happened though. No matter how much I tried, nothing got better… I try not to get overprotective of my mother and sister and remind myself that they have to walk their journey… I am so worried my mother might feel lonely and at the same time I don’t want to get too attached… My father’s passing leaves a deep void in my heart. I wish there were good memories… I want to be joyous, healthy and have fun (June 2017).

“I have gotten a lot better at self-love and self-compassion which makes me proud of myself…  I am doing much better now but suffering the consequences of a troubled upbringing… I am definitely after more happiness..  but I either don’t know what to do to attain it or I don’t know how much is enough… I am grateful that as the years are going by, there is more peace of mind…  the suffering has lessened for everyone, for various reasons… I feel sad about all the wasted years of my life. I wish I could go back in time and change many things. But I am also proud of the individual” (November 2022).

And now to my understanding: because recently, “suffering has lessened for everyone” in your family, suffering has also lessened for you.  As I understand it, it’s all been about you being loyal to your family. You invested so much growing up in trying to make them happy, postponing your own happiness (postponing your own time to “stand out and shine“) until such time that they will be happy first,  feeling that if you assert yourself within the family, if you take something for yourself … they will be hurt. They had to  be your # 1.

It’s about the memories you don’t have: memories of a happy family life while growing up. You want to create happy memories now, as an adult (to be reborn into a happy life), but you are held captive in the bad memories of the family you were born to. Loyal to your family, particularly to your mother, you feel too guilty to break free and be happy.

Like the lion and tiger in that quote, you were very strong growing up (and still), keeping your needs and feelings down for the benefit of your family, trying hard to make them happy. That was your circus (and life of captivity): performing for the benefit of your family. You want to be free like the wolf: to no longer perform in a circus, the circus having been your family-home growing up, your workplace now.. or anywhere else. The saying Born to be Free, comes to my mind, vs born into captivity.

I was very loyal to my own mother and to her misery for many years. Like you, I was very, very attached to her and I took “the hurt upon myself” (her hurt). Like you, I put a stop to my hopes for happiness until such time that I made her happy, something that never happened. I didn’t assert myself, didn’t stand up for myself when hurt by others.. and I never got to “stand out and shine“, not until recently. If you agree with my understanding (and please correct me where you do not agree), let us explore Freedom vs Captivity together, shall we…?

anita