Dear Anita

When I read the “but“- I felt as if you were about to tell me how I was NOT accurate, take away your compliment about my words being accurate , that actually made me sad , i anticipate an attack from  people all the times , maybe not an overt attack like my family but some how a hurtful word even when everything seems to be ok in the situation . because of my mothers explosive nature and the fact that we didnt know how she would react in that situation . i actually remember her talking about my flaws to the family member , like im not clean and my grades were not good and obviously i hated it . specially i knew these family members were so judgmental too . i think she was trying to make her look like a good mother before them , but she listened to me time to time when i complained to her that i dont like her to talk to other people about me , but if she got angry for whatever reasons not even related to me , i knew she wouldn`t keep her mouth shut and would bring something from a million years ago . i remember i was ten or eleven , i was aloud to go out alone doing some errands if it was close to my home , i was telling to my mom that when i was crossing the street the bus driver stopped the whole bus so i could go safely and i was so proud of it and my mom said it was because he realized that you are a stupid kid and he should be extra cautious with you . WOOW SPEAKING OF UNECXPECTED ATTACK , she seemed fine that day .

 I had a very good day yesterday because the weather was the nicest it has been in a long, long time, i`m glad to hear that actualy i plan to jog today because here the weather is sunny and very nice today

The End of an Era. I like that, and I can see how the move will indeed help you! I KNOW LOL

 are you also disappointed and angry at him for being like your mother was: closedminded, never listening to you? yes exactly i think he is so afraid to admit that because its like being wrong in everything in his life , i mean when you question one thing he feels im questioning his whole existence as he and mom did in incident i wrote here , why i was even born ?????, he is projecting his own believes on me ,thinking i want destroy him because he has this intention himself.

“I know part of her rejecting me is actually not approving herself as good mother, I can only guess that applies to your mother too“i meant she was complaining to others about me because she wasnt  happy with herself as a mother and she felt she messed up in the same time she wanted to look good in others eyes , its like i didn`t raise her to be like that but she wouldn’t listen to me .

 She used to literally cut off (in photographs) her head off , thats strange but not really i can relate to that I've always thought my mom was a miserable person , there was always something wrong in her life , she hated herself as a woman , and she tortured my sister and i more than she did my brother , its believed when someone is criticizing you for something ,especially people who are actively searching for other peoples fault like our moms , its about them and their insecurities . Now your mom telling you that she thought she was ugly is not strange at all , she didnt like herself and she saw you as an extension to herself. so she didn't like you either as like my mom .its easier to understand now that we are grown but as a child it`s devastating .

 better not need what you never got and never going to get (an apology that includes a sincere awareness and admission of them having been wrong for so very long): yes , it takes a very strong person to do it and we are dealing with such people , we can choose a bigger person in these situations and save ourselves lots of heartache

I felt a tingling sensation in my chest area and a surge of optimistic energy. i`m so happy for you . all people are not similar to our families not all of them are miserable , only the selfish ones are so incredibly cruel and miserable deep down .

farnaz