dear Anita

thank you for your warm words .

you described the situation in best way , same mother but different childhood . im so sorry about what youve endured , being at home with your mom out of fear that she would hurt herself , i cant imagine .  conflict between hating and loving her , its unbearable .

you as my sister had tougher time which your respective mothers as older daughters . me as a daughter who was born when my mom was almost 40 had unconventional teenage years as my parents specially mam dad wasn’t that strict he used to be i could got away with almost everything  . but my moms cancer made the life hell , i dont want to go to describe all the confusion and stress i had in my teen years , but i remember before her cancer came back i wasnt even sure that i loved her or not after realizing she was terminally ill , i realized i would miss her a lot and she was changed too , she realized she wasnt the best mom specially to my sister , but it was too late , damage was done , she was cruel and condescending towards me , but she was busy dealing with her disease and other worries . when she passed i was so angry and broken , and im still wondering after 19 years why everything about her was so complicated ???even grieving , she was very wise in some areas in her life , mostly professional and investing and generally financial stuff to the point that we all can profit for years but was so foolish , arrogant  towards her family, she gave us the best advice time to time , she told us i want the best things for you and she delivered as much as she could but she persistently made us worthless and like a failure . after a while especially once my dad passed im trying to forgive them both but i can see why my sister cant . she is much more damaged or damaged in different ways that i was she spent too much time away from my parents , like 30+ and there  was never a good time to discuss about problems , i dont know if the discussion would be helping knowing the both sides , i hope she could one day forgive my parents specially my mom for her own sake .

i hope you feel free now  , i know you are far from her but the point is do you feel free or constantly reliving the situation of course from what i read i can say you feel much better now ,and i`m happy for that . i wonder does your sister have a relationship with you mom now?

i was always an anxious child , look always worried about something after my moms death , at 58 when i was 19 i was always worried about my dad , when i lost him exactly 19 years after , i can say i dont have any major worries in my life , obviously i have dreams but i dont take stuff very serious ?or maybe i do ??i know its awful but its liberating , my worst concern happened and my dad passed from the same kind of cancer that my mom had , which is chilling but to be fair he was 77 . and he didnt suffer long . i guess i want to say it`s not a ideal situation obviously but i can live for myself . how to you feel about your life and your feeling right now ? tell me if you wish

Farnaz