Dear Anita,

Addy the boy, with the brightest smile on his face, definitely and with no uncertain terms- will not complain! He will not turn that smile into a frown!

Okay so thing about this is that only the people I really care and trust are able to know when that smile turns into a frown. And sometimes not even them like sometimes I think I don’t want my mom to worry about this so I simply don’t share that thing with her

outside our online communication, outside the typing of words and smiley faces, and underneath the Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy- there is a fearful Addy, an Avoidant Addy, an Addy who shuns emotional closeness

I’m also Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy in offline world as well. Because I know how to light up the environment around me. Or at least sometimes.
But it’s also true that I shun emotional closeness and I’m not sure why… Because maybe I don’t trust that easily so I just don’t get attached that much easily or idk if it’s something else

underneath the confident, rational, sensible Addy there is… a not so rational Addy, a fearful Addy.

So I have to ask myself like what is it that I’m fearing?

I would like to welcome the Addy underneath the smile into this thread. The rational, brightest-smile, very friendly, confident, outgoing Addy needs the fearful Addy boy because without this precious, fearful boy… you are trapped in a vacuum that needs to be filled… filled with all that you are.

Also what Tee Said 
It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

So, I thought about both of these things, but nothing is comping up from inside, I just don’t know how to be expressive and explain it. Maybe I buried something so deep for so long that I don’t even remember but it’s still there and I don’t know how to work on that