Dear Hello,

you are very welcome! I am glad you’ve decided to ask for a divorce because unfortunately, based on everything you’ve said, your husband seems to only want to control you, put you down and punish you for your past mistakes. According to him, you should always feel bad about yourself, completely disregarding that it was before the two of you met, and that you’ve changed since, and never ever cheated on him throughout the course of your marriage.

He feels betrayed, although you’ve never betrayed him. You only haven’t disclosed certain information which you weren’t too proud of, but which were not relevant for your marriage, because you had realized by then that you made a mistake and would never do such a thing again.

So you weren’t obliged to tell him, because you left your past behind. However, as anita noticed, he hasn’t done the same: he is still in touch with the woman he cheated his first wife with, and has a tinder app which he refuses to delete. So while he is judging you for your “unforgivable transgressions” in the past, he is in fact disrespecting you and possibly even cheating on you right now, as we speak. That’s what a hypocrite would do.

Now I understand why you didn’t have the strength till now to put those ultimatums into practice, i.e. to leave when he refused to delete the app. It’s because he was guilt-tripping you for your past mistakes, making you feel like a bad person, and you partially believed him (he’s been such a master at making me feel like such a low person and bad guy that I’ve questioned this.)

Probably that’s the reason you’ve missed the red flags or looked away: because he was putting you down all the time and perhaps you (or a part of you) felt like you don’t deserve better. So you endured his abuse… sometimes protesting (giving him “ultimatums”), but eventually doing nothing to change the situation, accepting more of his abuse and disrespect.

Well, I am so glad that this has changed now, that you’ve grown so much personally and spiritually that you don’t want to tolerate his abuse any longer.

I’m very excited about letting go of this marriage , learning from it and living in peace.

I can imagine you’re excited, because you finally see things clearly, and you also know you did everything in your power to make your marriage better, but he was unwilling. He really just wanted to manipulate you and punish you, feeling like a piece of trash… so that he could control you. It was a power game. I am so glad you’re getting out of it!

As anita said, equip yourself with a good legal counsel because narcissists can be nasty when they are broken up with. He might seek revenge in some way, so please be prepared for some more nastiness on his part. But you’ve grown so much, you’re much stronger now, so he shouldn’t be able to intimidate you. Know that you’re right and that truth is on your side!!