I have read some of my last responses (it is very uncomfortable for me to read more), I also have some notes (Back then I was writing what she said to me, why she was angry, what I did because of that – smashed things in my room, hit my legs, arms, hurt my face etc) and videos from some of my worst moments (I have this app on my computer when I could just record video instantly, I sometimes felt the need to do it while crying, I wanted to have it so that I would know I was not crazy and it really happened). Now I can see how.. I once said “I feel like I am in a cage” – something like that, maybe not those exact words but I remember thinking it a lot and I wrote it here to you, Anita..  You replied then that I was not, in fact in a cage.

It was simple but began my hope.

Looking at those notes and videos I can see that, I could not leave this cage for a long time, I wanted but I could not. I wasted many many years before I started living.

Thank you Anita, I read that you are reading the thread. I am ashamed of who I was then. I think I hurt a lot of people through the years. There was a lot of anger in me and I did not respect and appreciate people who were good. I feel sorry and ashamed. One thing I wish in my life to not be like my mother. To believe, to love and to not ruin other people.