Hi Tee,

It really has been an amazing year in many aspects I just have a tendency to focus on the negative.

I’m gonna try and pluck up the courage to see if I can ask them about New Year’s Eve. I have had more bad birthdays than good ones so it’s a very sensitive day for me.

Building my socializing muscle, I like that expression 🙂 I unfortunatly didn’t find the video(What to do when your triggered) before Friday. An x manager who just resigned asked me to join for drinks in the bar at work that day, I said yes but got extremely anxious because I knew he was going to be there and again these settings aren’t the ones I’m the most comfortable in. I realised it’s more than just him. It’s him, it’s my past, my insecurities and also other stressors in my life that all affect me. I wore a new outfit that made me feel very good, feminim but also comfortable. I got a lot of compliments from my collegues male and female which was nice.

He had the morning shift and we talked a bit, but  he got back ten minutes before I finished my shift to have drinks in the bar. I was hoping I would have finished my shift before he got there it would have eased my anxiety a bit. He bought a drink from my collegue then was looking at me going on his way to the bar. I did some tapping (I think it’s called to try and calm myself) Then went to the bar where they were showing football on the big screen and a lot of people were already there. Three boys (two collegues and one of their friends) were happy to see me and told be to take the chair next to them (that guy had left) we started talking about football and then the cute guy came up and had a proposal, that we could join him at his table (he sat with a female guest) so that everybody could see. I felt ashamed that I was in the way that much even though it was a really big screen. The guys went what if we just move out of the way to the side, he then said or you can join at the table. We moved out of the way so they had plenty of space to see the match. Not gonna lie I was hard seeing him sitting there with her, but he was sitting behind me and I was sitting between the boys focusing on our conversations and the game infront. But then we went out during halftime so they could smoke and we got back him and the girl was now sitting right infront of me on a couch, that’s when it started going south for me. I left soon after and I am embarresed to say I told a lie to them so they wouldn’t think less of me for once again being the first to leave.

I should say that I havn’t slept in a couple of days and was in a lot of pain (PMS) and had cried several times the day before over absolutely nothing so I was not at my strongest. Don’t know if I was weak for leaving so early or if trying my best was good enough. I wanna look at every change he’s there as a learning opportunity (or game as you said so well) because he’s not gonna be the only guy to make me anxious so now is the time to try out different things to make me less anxious. Maybe this Friday will be one, Two girls from work have a birthday and a lot of people from work are gonna come and celebrate, so there’s another challenge then.

I asked one of the new girls out for coffee and we are going tomorrow. She’s so nice I am sure it will be fun and be good for me to get out and just relax.

Also trying to go easy on myself. I have had a lot of stressors lately. Health wise which unfortunatly is gonna be way more expensive than I thought. Work has been extremely busy and with 11 new people it’s aa lot for me to deal with, even though they all seem so nice. My sister has been on the warpath wityh me, I couldn’t make it home for my nephew’s christening and she is trying to turn it into a personal thing of me doing it to hurt her deliberately (that one send me into a panic attack at work, cried in the bathroom) and now a couple moving in in a small flat with just two rooms and one bathroom. I still hasn’t meet them, they have stayed in their room but the are quiet and clean so at least that is something. I hope to get to see them tomorrow when I am off work.