Dear Joanna:

About birthdays: “My mother told me once she never had birthday parties“- my mother never mentioned having had birthday parties growing up, not that I remember. Her mother died when she was 9, her father was an alcoholic and a womanizer who neglected his children, so she ended up in an orphanage-like institution and later, she lived with a sadistic older sister who terribly abused her: a tragic childhood.

It made me smile reading that you loved strawberries cake so much. But then, I felt sad reading how your mother, out of spite, spoiled your enjoyment of the case: serving it not on your birthday, when you asked for it, but in December, and then saying: “‘There, you have your cake. You won’t leave me alone, bothering me every day“. No wonder, you “would just eat some of it for couple of days and it went bad“.

“When I remembered and got her a present she did not like it… Those gifts were often thrown somewhere“- I can relate: my mother didn’t appreciate the gifts I gave her as a child, or as an adult (except for one gift, later in life: a pair of special gloves for her rheumatoid-arthritis hands).

“Once I made a reservation in the pizzeria and paid for it, and invited her to go for a pizza – she said she does not feel well and don’t want to go“- she refused or rejected your gifts, so understandably you felt that neither the gifts… nor the gift-giver had any value to her.

“Actually Christmas was similar, us two, sometimes her partner, sitting in bad moods… She was always talking about her mother, her brother-  how they did not invite her (us) for Christmas and how no one wants us“- like your mother, my mother- as an adult- was mostly a wounded child, focused on her pain and seeing NONE of mine: extremely self-focused, as if there was only one person and one pain in the whole wide world: she and her pain.

“It’s fair to say she despised me”- yes, my mother despised me too.

“It is interesting how you wrote it is quite rare for you to see so many similarities… narcissistic, paranoid personality disorder, borderline too. Is it rare to have that particular behaviors all together?“- I forgot to mention Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). My mother fit all three: BPD, HPD and PPD. I read about a lot of mothers in the forums since May 2015, many unwell mothers who reminded me of my mother in this or that respect, sometimes a few aspects per mother, including in my current communication with another member. It happened … maybe a handful of times that a member’s mother was similar to mine in more than a few aspects. I’d say that growing up with my mother gave me a wide-range, quite comprehensive experience of what it means to end up with a bad mother.

“This was exactly my reality. I still expect the worst of people, I trust no one… More often I doubt my own intentions, cannot make a simple decision, do not know what I really think of something, what is really my opinion – I am confused every day“- all of this has been MY reality (much progress made though). I remember very well how very difficult it’s been for me to make decisions: there was hardly ever such thing as a simple decision to make (so I avoided making decisions and let others make them for me.. to my great disadvantage). And the CONFUSION.. I hated that chronic confusion.

“Couple of weeks ago a girl I know from work said to me: ‘.. I think you are such a good person‘ – I want to believe that, not just think ‘she does not know me enough‘”- I very much relate, for the greatest majority of my life.

“Why did she choose me? Why did she do all those things to ruin me? Is she ever sorry? I don’t think she ever thinks of this like that” – I don’t think my mother thinks like that. She’d say that I ruined her, that I chose to ruin her and that I must feel sorry forevermore.

“When I was younger I liked to sing, I played the harmonica, I used to write poems and short stories. I was creative, I used to make things. All this was ruined for me. I could be a different person now“- I would be a different person myself, a totally different person, if grew up with a good mother. I wouldn’t have suffered so much and wasted my youth and intelligence and creativity, etc.

“She used to lock me in a sanatorium/hospital for weeks… properly and forced me to visit a doctor once a week“- My mother told me that when I was a younger child, she rushed me to the health clinic or hospital often, and was told by doctors to stop taking me there “for every little thing”. She did not lock me in a hospital for weeks though… Maybe you can add another diagnosis for your mother: Munchausen Syndrome by proxy.

“She told me my dad was a rapist in our village“- my mother told me that my father was a child-rapist and that he may rape or molest my sister if he was left alone with her (my sister was a baby at the time).

As you can see, Joanna: we do have lots in common as far as who our mothers are and we both suffered for it tremendously. They are similar in the nature, the complexity and extent of their mental illness.

I hope to read from you soon, in the next day or two…

anita