Dear Addy,

thank you, I’ll try turmeric (just googled it, didn’t know about sleep-inducing properties of turmeric…)

I think Yes. and That’s why the shield because showing weakness meaning afraid of more attacks you know?

I see… your assumption here is that when you show weakness, you’ll be attacked. Although you said that when you did share some of your weaknesses and vulnerability, both of your girlfriends showed understanding for it. They didn’t attack you, condemn you or ridicule you.

But the problem is that your father did attack you and condemn you harshly for not performing a certain way, be it handing him the proper tool perfectly, or finishing proper school (one that he deems good and respectable enough). If you failed at any of his expectations, I guess you were judged for being “weak” in his eyes. Whereas your mother condemned you for being weak if you couldn’t control your anger. You were supposed to be “strong enough” (or “wise enough”) to take your father’s abuse silently.

So both of your parents condemned you for showing some form of weakness – whatever each of them deemed as weakness.

And so due to your childhood/youth programming, you adopted a false belief that showing weakness means opening a hunting season on yourself. Allowing others to attack you. While that’s not true at all… but it is true in your worldview, based on your childhood experience.

Can you see now how our childhood experience shapes our worldview, i.e. the narrative we live and operate in? To you, showing weakness means being attacked. And this is probably what prevents you from emotional intimacy…

I do worry about showing myself as a weak person. Because part of me doesn’t accept that I’m a weak person, The things I’ve been through the weaker person wouldn’t be able to pass that. I know I’m very resilient and strong about what I want.

You’re not a weak person – your parents gave you that message. They’ve convinced you that you are. And a part of you (your inner child) believes them. Another part fights against it. That’s the Protector, who says “you can’t hurt me, I’ll never admit that you’ve hurt me.”

You are indeed very resilient (you’ve lived on your own since you were 16 or 17, right?)… but regardless of that, a part of you (your wounded inner child) feels weak. And the Protector part will do anything in his power not to show it to anyone. The Protector part will do everything to appear strong and cool. That’s the part that often uses sarcasm…

On another hand If I do start the dating or relationship, I make sure fulfilling my responsibilities from my side. Giving proper attention, Communication, Planning and Spending time together.

Seems like you really want to be prepared for a “project” called relationship. You want to plan everything, so you wouldn’t fail and none of your weaknesses gets revealed, right? You want to pass it with flying colors…. But the thing is that if you plan too much, perhaps spontaneity is lost? If it’s a project, and you’re the project manager… what’s the role of your girlfriend? The one who goes along and fulfills the plan set by you? I am being provocative here on purpose, but do think about it….

I do have what you can say “Do not settle” mindset.

Yes, I understand… but I don’t think your reason for not settling is the fear of missing out. Because you said you’ve never approach the girl first – it’s always them who approached you. This tells me you’re not a butterfly, wandering from flower to flower, afraid to miss out… You might have been fine alone, had those girls not initiated a relationship with you.

That’s why I think your fear of settling and commitment is caused by what we’ve discussed above: your fear of showing weakness, i.e. being seen as weak.