Anita,

Thank you for responding.

when your head was cluttered with your mother’s words and emotions, there was no space in your head, aka mind.. for your own life; therefore, you lived mindlessly, without a mind, so to speak

That’s what I am wondering about.. Will this even change.. I feel like all those years I had her opinions, her assumptions. One time I was trying a jacket and she called me,  and I told her I was trying a jacket. She said “the long one? I don’t think it would fit you”. When I said “I think it’s nice, I’ll take it” (I sometimes was trying to do something opposite just to rebel agains her, even though I was not convinced) Then she said “Ok, sure, take it. It would look good on you!” (very fake). After that I did not even know whether I liked it or not. I bought it, wore it in my room and then returned it. Then I would go to this shop couple of times, tried it again, but still didn’t know if I liked it. I did not buy it again.

I am still dealing with her=my negative attitude

Unfortunately me too. I thought not having to listen her vent would make it better, of course it did but did not eliminate it completely. Even this year I met a new colleague at work and he made a bad impression on me,  I was a bit rude to him our first conversations. He did not want to follow some rules we have here and I was afraid he would get me in trouble (his work was my responsibility then) but that does not justify it – I know I was not nice to him not because he refused to follow the rules. I was rude because he did not make a good impression. I apologized to him and that’s a lesson for me for the future but .. I am not proud of myself and I still feel guilty. He is a good and honest person, I should have just be honest and talk to him instead of being rude and cold.

she enjoyed venting her anger at people, didn’t she..? And when she ran out of people in her own life to vent about, she borrowed people from your life.

She even applauded me when I was sometimes angry at someone, trying to make me more angry, making up assumptions how this person was even more evil, because she or he said this or that and it would mean more, something I could not see at first but she sees it.. This one time I was angry at my cousin for rearranging my candles on my dad’s grave, she (my cousin) told something like “it’s not yours, get out of here”, “this grave is not yours to take care, but grandmas”. She was rude, disrespectful even, but she was 15 yo, I guess she did not realize fully what it meant for me that my dad is dead. I got angry, but did not call her names or anything, it was more like I lost my temper, started shaking, my voice trembled. I shouted something like “YOU get out of here!” “What do you know about having a dead father” etc. My mother was there too, and she hated my cousin. I think she touched her, wasn’t hitting her but it was a bit violent, with name-calling and shouting, she did not push her but I am pretty sure she did touch her slightly.  My mother used to talk about this situation for years.  She was proud of me I lost my temper. She used to say “I really regret you did not hit her when you had the chance!”. She loved how upset I was then. I cannot express this with words here how excited she was. She prized me. What she did not and will never understand is how my hands were shaking, my heart was beating fast and I could not move, I was terrified. I cried for days after this. Not only because of my cousin, I think overall I had a breakdown. I am ashamed of this. My mother was excited and proud of me, she would have been even more proud if I had hit my younger cousin. She really liked the fact that after all those times when she had her rages against other people, finally she saw me having one. She always used to say how my cousin was little and was not behaving sometimes and my mother would spank her and “it was so satisfying”. She used to talk about it, repeat it so many times how she loved it. Now I (almost) lived up to her expectations. (It was more less 10-11 years ago).

This does not happen to me anymore. I may lost my temper couple of times more but it was anger towards myself, shaking and crying. One time towards other person, in high school, to a girl from my class. I am ashamed of this. I know my mother led me to it. But it is my responsibility – I was an abuser at that moment. To someone else I was the abuser.

The more you practice Mindfulness, the less mindless you will be.

I think with time it gets better. Thank you for encouragement, Anita.