Dear Dan,

yes I am feeling much better, can sleep again normally and all the other symptoms are gone too. I am grateful!

I wanted to send it for Christmas but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. Maybe it would cause me more torment than anything.

Quite possibly, because you would again expect an answer, and if it doesn’t arrive, you would feel even worse. Perhaps again thinking how unlovable and unworthy you are, taking her silence as a proof that something is wrong with you. I’ve shared my thoughts about it on October 31, in regard to her not congratulating you your birthday. I said back then:

I can imagine it hurt, and I think not just because she didn’t bother to congratulate, but also because it “confirmed” again what your inner critic has been telling you: that you are unworthy and unlovable. You might have interpreted her lack of happy birthday text as another rejection, and perhaps not just a rejection of you as her romantic partner, but also rejection of you as a person. And it hurts bad… Am I right in thinking that?

If you see her every rejection, or every lack of response, as a proof that you’re bad and unworthy, it’s making things very hard for you. If you make her the sole judge of your worth and likeability, then you’ll feel bad about yourself for a long time. And if you make her the sole creator of your happiness, then I am afraid you’re bound to be unhappy for a long time.

Can you see that? You put your life, your future and your happiness in her hands. But what if she can never give you what you want – not because you’re not good enough, but because she is unable to? Because of her own limitations?

Let me remind you that even the last Christmas wasn’t a happy one for you, even though you were with her:

Our house got smaller and smaller with her and I both working from home. I would go to my moms place to get away as I knew my wife needed some space. Then Christmas hit and something didn’t feel right but I was kept in the dark.

She didn’t want to talk to you, she didn’t want to say what’s wrong, but you felt that something was wrong. And you said that this was her style – she wouldn’t want to talk to you when there was a problem. She would keep you in the dark, wondering “what have I done wrong?”. Maybe there is nothing wrong that you’ve done, or even if you have, in a healthy relationship people talk to each other and share their concerns. They don’t just give you the silent treatment (or the could shoulder) and then a week later tell you they want separation. This is not how things are done in a healthy relationship.

Dear Dan, you’re idealizing her and remembering only the times when she treated you nicely, and forgetting the times when she didn’t treat you so nicely. Please don’t tie your happiness and your self-worth to her.

I do have a couple of good friends but it’s still tough.

It’s tough because you want only her, and until you get her, you’ll be miserable. You’re focusing on what you don’t have and despairing about it, instead of focusing on what you do have. You still have good people in your life, you still have your health, you still have your brains, you have all the potential to be happy…. you just need to let go the false belief that only SHE is your salvation and your happiness. Because she isn’t. You are.