Dear Healing75:

You are welcome. After reading  your 2nd post, I will next take my time re-reading your original post and your 2nd post, one part at a time and responding to each part before reading the next part; therefore I expect it to be a long reply:

“I come from an Asian background living in the west“- I know that psychotherapy is more common in the west than in Asia, and that there are plenty of therapists of different ethnicities and nationalities in the U.S, Canada, etc. Since you said that you live in the west, I figured that psychotherapy is more of an option for your wife (and for yourself).

“Arranged marriages are quite common in our culture and marriages don’t necessarily happen after a deep understanding of another person“- it is true that marriages don’t necessarily happen after a deep understanding of another person everywhere in the world. I am not saying this with the intent of persuading you to remain in the marriage, only to point to the reality that in the romantic context, people often inaccurately project so much into the other person, that they only imagine that they understand the other person as he or she really is.

“I have been in a relationship with my girl for almost 10 years and we had our usual ups and downs/misunderstandings leading to some distance btw us“- there was some trouble in the relationship during the 10 years and at the end of the ten years. (I’ll refer to your girlfriend of 10 years as G, and to the woman you married as M)

“Due to some very private reasons and unexpected sad situations I had to take a hard decision to marry someone else thinking it will do good for all of us and remove myself from the tough equation/very tough circumstances of life“- you thought that it will be good for G if you married another woman… this means that G was suffering in the context of her relationship with you, and that you were suffering as well, in the same context.

“I have to confess that I still love my gal and she does as well no matter what“- judging from your use of the present tense, you are presently in contact with G.

“I did tell her from the first meeting that I’m not fully into marriage and that I would need a lot of time to get any kind of love to her or it might take a lot of time“- that’s what the parents arranging for marriages tell their adult children: Love-will-take-Time… So, no wonder you said it to M, and no wonder M accepted it.

“But soon after I got married (arranged marriage), I realized I made a big mistake as I could not feel anything for the girl who is in my wife’s place now… My heart and soul are still with my other girl and no change in her also whatsoever except that we had a few misunderstandings due to tough circumstances“- soon after the marriage, you abandoned the idea that Love-will-take-Time, and in your loveless misery, you minimized the troubles in the relationship with G, and imagined that it was better than it was.

“I confessed to my wife (feels strange to even write this) that I don’t love her and that I want to get separated“- you confessed to her that you still don’t love her. I imagine she thought something like: he needs more time, Love-will-take-Time!

“The problem is that she is unable to digest that and keeps saying that she loves me and that we should try to continue the relationship“- faithful to the tradition of arranged marriages, she is hoping that her love/ need for you will encourage you to.. give love and marriage more time.

“I can see that she may be having some cultural shocks /societal pressure etc. not to go out of the marriage“- this is why I suggested a psychotherapist of the same culture!

“I do understand that I did the mistake of marrying her without having feelings for her or healing my own heart alone but I don’t want to continue doing that mistake for life-long“- I understand, but you will have to pay for your mistake of marrying her, to somehow compensate M for your mistake.

“She knew that I still love my other girl and still tried to convince me to live with her“-you are blaming M here, saying that she knew that you loved another woman… but your marriage with M was not a love marriage but an arranged marriage, and ..  Love-will-take-Time is what lots of people say in your culture, so no wonder she accepted that you loved someone else at the time.

“I can just divorce her but I’m feeling morally responsible to convince her that this marriage is not good for her which she is unable to accept or digest“- what you are saying here, paraphrased, is: I am a good guy, so I am not going to divorce a woman who doesn’t want to divorce me,  I am going to divorce a woman who does want to divorce me!

“I myself never cared to know about it when my girlfriend suggested it to me in the past… Yes, things like therapy are unknown to many (even if we live outside Asia)“- but G suggested therapy to you, so it was not unknown to her.. and she is of the same culture as you and M, isn’t she?

“The marriage is just in papers“- did you not have sex with G at any time during the first year of the marriage? In that case, the marriage was not consummated, and in some religions, a marriage can be quickly undone for that reason alone. Was your marriage never consummated?

Assuming your marriage was consummated through sex (and please correct me if I am wrong to assume this), I will continue:

“Paying for therapy or for that matter covering any other big expense is not a problem for me, it is the least help I could do“- then do it, pay for quality therapy for M and compensate her otherwise for going back on the following choices that you made already: (1) to enter an arranged marriage, (2) to consummate the arranged marriage, (3) to resume- or maintain- contact with G, and for the choice you are intent on making: to divorce her.

“So it is very difficult to make my wife understand that she came from a very conventional family. Yes, things like therapy are unknown to many“- did you try to explain to your wife the importance of psychotherapy; did you offer it to her?

“She also says she loves me and that the marriage should not break at any cost… turns out I’m the only persons she is interested to talk to and she keeps requesting love…. I do want to help her but that’s definitely not with my love which doesn’t exist in the first place. I’m open to any other suggestions“- I think that you are looking for an easy way out of the marriage: to psychologically manipulate M to want to divorce you, and you are looking here for tips on how to accomplish this.

I fully believe that you regret marrying her, I understand that there were difficult circumstances that led you to go the arranged marriage route, but I also believe that you need to take full responsibility for the choices you made (1-3, listed above), and for your intended choice to divorce her, and then proceed to divorce her-  not the easy way, through psychological manipulation- but the ethical way: the difficult, costly… yet ethical way.

anita