Dear Anita!

It has been quite a long time since I wrote here.

I have a question: I am practicing meditation, but I catch myself that I can’t relax and let go of thoughts. Once I heard that answers come in meditation and I am so scared again I think that my inner voice will say that I’m a lesbian and I should leave my boyfriend. That’s why I can’t fully commit in meditation.

this thought just chases me and won’t go away.

last time I was like “ok, God, I am lesbian whatever” I surrendered, but it still comes back.

I keep pushing myself to talk to my girl friends and not be scared that I will be aroused, but still I check myself all the time.

like what the hell is this? I can’t relax, enjoy my relationships.

last night I had I childhood memory, when my mom told me that one day I will get married and have a husband.

that just terrified me! I was scared to be with some unknown man!

I told my mom that I will marry her, and never leave.

I mean what’s is wrong with me! Little girls dream of family, wedding, husband,

but I am terrified! But i want relationships without sabotaging them. Like I want to experience normal love. But I am just to tired to fix myself and check myself all the time.

Thank you a lot!