Help! So people do want to ignore me!! Please listen, I’m not a bad guy. I’m so upset and angry, that I just wanted some help, read this scenario and PLEASE RESPOND!

There is a site I went to at one point, called YWS aka “Young Writers Society”.
( https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/index.php ) . But they restricted me and banned me out of the site indefinitely and permanently. And It was all my fault. My relationships from that site involved pimping, spamming, and trying to get friends that understand my questions in MY ANGLE, to get help that I need for my writing. I have (and have had) writer’s fatigue, writer’s block, and felt like I got an empty, sad, black hole anytime I enter this site. When I learned about the permanent ban in my account, It’s was so jarring and upsetting, I cried and wished I would run inside a hole and quit. And even wish to die and commit suicide myself. One I see this website, I get in tears and cry like a baby wanting something. It bothers me, because no one likes me in this site and they me to quit entering. I will never remove this memory, I will just dig a straight hole and hurt myself if I can’t figure out a solution to forgive. Affirmations and positive thinking won’t help, it’s going to be too strong to control.

Every time I’m entering this site, I am digging an even bigger hole in the spot I’m digging at with a machine drill. What am I supposed to do? ANY ADVICE? TIPS? IDEAS? THE MORE I ENTER THIS SITE, THE MORE TEARS I GET? ONCE YOU CRY YOU ARE WEAK AND NO ONE EVER BELIEVES YOU? RIGHT? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE  REPLY? I’M 18! NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS ARE COMING UP AND THEY ARE HERE!! I’M WAITING!

PLZ HURRY UP!