On New Years Eve yesterday, I was really sad and really in depression. I learned this year, that I not only have autism (it’s part of the problem, but not a complete factor), I also have depression and former ADHD. This helps, but I’m sorry I took this too far. No one will ever be happy with me anymore. And if  anyone will like me, I promise I will leave you alone for now.
No one will forgive me if I’m this disappointed. And they are right, I am weak. Yesterday, my stepdad was so angry that he knocked over my books from my table and wanted to use a knife to kill me. I am so defenseless, my stepdad was strong enough to bruise my arm and knock me down. What’s his idiot deal? I just want to go outside and hide in a hole and give up all life, and live in a house. I’m 18! Maybe I don’t deserve to survive. I failed making my family happy!

Does anyone know a book called “The Power of your subconscious mind” book by Joseph Murphy and “The Success Principles For Teens” by Jack Canfield ? I need help, because I know nothing on how to stop making my subconscious mind negative. I tried to think positive. But smiling din’t work, and I’m worried that my parents and my life are always right and it’s always my fault. I was the one who caused my stepdad to be angry and crush over books, I was the one who stole money at school, I was the perfect person who went to a one day suspension, I was the one who keeps “whining and crying”, and I was the one who keeps avoiding my friends to find better writing advice than them. These moments have to be permanently erased. I have to stop existing like this, it’s out of my control!!!!!! It’s always going to be my fault. So they are moments in my life that can never be taken off. Well, I want them to be taken off, of my life and body!!!

How can I stop blaming and complaining about others? I’m jealous of other people doing better than me with art and writing on Twitter and other sites!! People complain and it’s their fault that they started them, without those complainers dead and in existing, life will better! How can I stop blaming and complaining?

The people who hate me are out of my control!