Hi Tee,

Happy New Year and thanks for your birthday wishes.

Well there wasn’t any need for me to be nervous since it was just me, X, Y and the new girl that I had a coffee date with. Two of the boys from work ended up not joining because of their work schedule, and the cute guy didn’t come cuz he knew that if he started drinking he wouldn’t stop and the girls and him and one of his friends were gonna go to a rave party the next morning so it was a very calm New Years’ Eve party.

I have been staying for a drink after work a couple of times talking to whoever collegues are there and will keep up doing it. I’m only staying for an hour or so so I can still get my rest (have been working ten days in a row) but being social for even just a little bit is doing me good. Two days ago I did just that and I felt my anxiety kick in when the cute guy came up after his shift ended and started talking to the guy next to me (collegue) that I was in a conversation with, then he started standing close to my back talking to the girl who took over from my shift (the very pretty one I mentioned before) He didn’t talk to me but when he said goodbye to them he did look at me and nod, so he wasn’t completely ignoring me (but still feels hard), still only talks to me when we are alone. But I managed to keep my anxiety at a level and not long after I felt completly fine so the more situations I have like this where I can keep my anxiety from exploding the better.

Reagrding my sister it took a really long time before I realised I didn’t do what I was accused of. It was hard not to believe it since it was my own sister and one of my best friends so I thought it must have been true back then.

Yes she is unfortunatly showing a lot of narcissitic traits and everything starting to fall into place. Seeing things more clearly and that I’m not as bad as a person. Writing and reading the past couple of posts about my sister makes me realise that my very strong reaction in regards to not being invited to the guys birthday party isn’t so weird at all. I’ve felt very ashamed of reacting that strongly emotionally to not being invited cuz I didn’t feel I had a right to do so. He wasn’t in any obligated to invite me even if I invited him to my place. But I can now show myself more self compassion of my reactions because now I think that it totally makes sense since they were my primary group and I felt excluded.

I will definitly spend a minimum time with my sister, it’s better for my health. Luckly with my nephew there’s something to talk about to keep focus away from me and my life which is probably better.