To break that habit that resides within me will be hard.. not because I don’t want to break it, but because it is so enground within me.

My logical mind or my gut instinct knows early on that they’re not right for me.. my subconscious informs me otherwise.

I know that I am being hurt, I feel it, of course I do, but it’s so normal for me that I allow it to continue, to go unnoticed. I then end up in a position where I know I want to get out, to walk away, but in creeps the guilt.. It’ll hurt them. And I know what hurt feels like, I can’t do that to them.. so I stay, either until I find the confidence to walk away, or a succession of events/things said or done really presses my buttons, anger erupts inside and I decide enough is enough and pluck up the confidence to walk away.

With A right now.. I’m feeling guilt. Guilty that I will hurt him, that he will again feel abandoned (as he has  mentioned he has been by his past partners, his dad..). although I’m also aware there’s the possibility I may well have been manipulated.

I’m also feeling one minute that I want to feel needed and held by A, and the next, strong enough to call it quits. I feel pulled in different directions by my conflicting feelings.