Dear Javairia:

Thank you! I read your recent post and re-read the last and now I understand.

My first concern: “I go out of room, sit outside for the longest hours, tiring myself out and come back once it’s very late and I’m about to pass out… Once again, I’m dreading my own safe place“- this is very unfair to you: your room must feel safe to you, and your rest and sleep must not be prevented or interrupted by her talking on the phone (or doing anything that she can choose to not do).

“I’ll suggest her to make calls outside after the bedtime. This was one of our rules, to begin with“- she broke the rule she agreed on, and she needs to respect that rule again, every single night.

Let’s look at the short conversation you had with her back when you had a romantic partner and she did not: “Java are you in love?” You answered in an intelligent, witty, see-the-bigger-picture, thorough, general kind of way: “Well definitely, more than one kinds. Platonic, romantic, self-love kind, and more… In love with lots of people right now”. She then specified:  “No I mean romantic. Are you romantically in love?”. You answered: “Yeah. with my girlfriend for sure”. Her response: “Ugh you’re in romantic love. f*** you“-

– her response was not a see-the-bigger-picture kind of response. In other words, her response did not include seeing Javi (How does Javi feel? How is Javi’s relationship going?) Her response was about seeing only herself: what does this mean to (roommate)? It is a self-centered response: being preoccupied with her feelings, her needs, her desires and not considering your feelings, needs and desires.

Her self-centeredness is evident otherwise while you’ve been not at all self-centered: you’ve considered her feelings, her needs etc., too much so, at the cost of your own well-being. You’ve been on the other end of the spectrum of self-centeredness: self-sacrificing (allowing her to talk on the phone at the cost of your feelings and sleep).

“It makes me feel like I was only a play time toy.. and once she got a better distraction, she ghosted me“- this is what very self-centered people do.

“I felt embarrassed to feel jealous of my friend being in a relationship. It’s very childish of me. Anyhow, I think a sensible thing for me to do is give her space”- your feelings are not childish, we all feel … everything there is to feel.  Please peel off the embarrassment-feeling from the jealous- feeling.

Notice your response to your own feelings: you choose to do what is sensible, while she chooses to do what makes her feel better at the moment: if saying  f*** you makes her feel better, that’s what she’ll say. If talking on the phone with her boyfriend makes her feel better.. that’s what she’ll do.

“I think a sensible thing for me to do is.. (to) find myself other friends“- yes, find yourself friends who are not self-centered, at least not to the extent that your roommate is.

“I’ll suggest her to make calls outside after the bedtime”- do more than suggest: re-establish the rule she agreed on previously and make sure it’s specific: no calls after a specific time. Does this all make sense to you?

anita