Hi Anita
Thanks you for sharing your past experience.. it resonates with me and what you have said really does make sense.

I’ve been finding myself snapping at my boys in on occasions in recent months. I feel frustrated and perhaps angry, feelings of wanting to do more but feeling held back. Guilty for wanting to go and do things on my own, knowing that my boys still need me, albeit I know they need me in a different way now they are older. I guess I’m taking it out on them as they are closest to me.
It’s by no means the first time I’ve behaved this way.. Frustrated and angry – with my parents, within all my relationships.. the need to escape and feel free and the guilt of feeling that way, guilt that if I did some of the things I wanted, if I stepped away from meeting their needs, passifying their troubles, I would hurt them, hurt their feelings. I am a good person and good people don’t hurt others, don’t leave, don’t walk away.

When I left home to move in with my husband, my parents were always popping round a 2 or 3 times a week, same when I moved in with my new partner after my divorce. I remember when the relationship with my partner ended, he said ‘your ex (husband) warned me they (my parents) don’t leave you alone’

Keeping busy (over busy), walking (lots) allows me to avoid what’s going on in my head, avoid the guilt, frustration and anger.. temporarily.. only for it to return later or sometimes may be a day or two later with more intensity.
I’ve not felt as low, muddled, confused, snappy etc before as much as I do now and over recent months.. in the last few weeks its kind of hit a peak and I’m teetering on sinking, and clinging on to make changes.. at the moment it’s nearer to clinging on to make changes because I really don’t like how I’m feeling or behaving right now.

I say clinging on, because I am doing all I can to understand how my childhood has affected my past and present, and I’ve taken a few small steps to self care.

On another note, I bumped into A whilst shopping today. He apologised for being quiet this week, said he’d had a really bad week at work, I empathised with him, he then went on to tell me why he week was so rubbish. He briefly stopped to ask if I was okay, and then said ‘I’ll try to make some time for you tomorrow so we can catch up for a coffee’. On my walk home, those words played in my head, ‘I’ll try to make some time for you’. I felt angry, and saw it for what it is.. if I’ve got time, and I want to see you, if its convenient for me then I’ll make time for you. I’ve allowed him to behave in the way he has towards me, because I felt lonely, and felt guilty that he felt lonely too, and as mentioned before because I’d hurt him if i left.. because my subconscious child(hood) told me I would be a bad person if otherwise..