Dear Anita,

Where do I begin ? There’s so much going on and depending on how I feel sometimes it feels like a total mess and other times it’s all good and comfy. It’s been 6 months since I left Spain and came here to both start a new chapter and live with this woman. It felt right for me to step out of that life and try something new so I came to Poland. Everyone questioned my decision to live Spain but I didn’t let myself be affected by that.. I wanted to go because I felt this is the right thing to do. Everything was pointing me towards it, so I’d like to believe I followed my gut feeling. I guess I’ve always had a very strong connection to my gut, which I very often suppressed. There’s nothing like that feeling when you feel something is right or wrong but you don’t act on it and then find out your gut feeling was right. Well, I’ve learned that only in the last years so I lately pay more attention to what I feel and I try to guide myself based on that.

The thing is that sometimes it’s very hard to know which ”voice” I’m hearing.  Is this my gut speaking or my mind ? Am I really following my instinct/intuition or I’m guided by my fears and insecurities ? I know..  this is subjective and there are many ways to see it.

So lately I’ve been really questioning my relationship. Being here in Poland of course is less engaging, less vivid and surely more quiet than living in Spain but that doesn’t seem to be my main concern. There are 2 things that seem to keep me busy thinking over and over.  1) Do I want to be with this woman ? 2) Should we go somewhere else ?

1) I often feel like I got bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be.. I don’t feel like I want to be myself around her the way I wanted before. I don’t think of her when she’s not around and very often If I’m away for a few days/weeks I don’t really feel like I miss her… I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance.

All these shouldn’t bother me that much if I didn’t think they might come from my fears. There is nothing wrong with feeling like someone is not right for you.. Sometimes I guess things just don’t click and that’s fine. But the ”what if” question is the one that makes it tricky for me. What if she really is good for me, and we are good for each other and the reason why I’m not able to enjoy if fully is my f*cked up programming ?

Also, I seem to drift away often thinking before things were better..  I often remember the way I felt when I was going out and talked to girls and had complete ”freedom”. I often feel like that way actually worked better for me. Also here, the question is the one that makes everything difficult. What part of me was I feeding when I was going out with these girls? I enjoyed a lot impressing them and acting cool around them. I enjoyed a lot this initial stage when they don’t really know me.. I do see the stereotype we often see in the movies when emotionally damaged people often engage in such superficial, short relationships. I have to say I did enjoy those kind of relationships but always felt like I wanted something serious. I wanted a woman in my life, who will be by my side and share great moments together. I wanted something authentic, something real.

And.. I guess I have it. I think I did recognised it right away but something gradually ”took over”. I often feel like there are 2 parts of me which are quite different and I don’t seem to be able to merge them or make them work together.

2) Should we stay or should we go. 

The thing is… our living conditions here are not ideal. Because none of us earns that much we decided to live with her mother, in her apartment. Prices here got through the roof since we have a war going on not far from here. It’s very nice of her mother to let me live here in her flat but I don’t feel right here at all. First of all, for whatever reason which is still unknown to me, I can’t stand her. I just don’t want to be around her at all, and I avoid that as much as I can. I don’t know… she doesn’t speak english and we cannot comunicate. We sometimes exchange a few words but that’s it. I really don’t like sharing any space with her so very often  get frustrated about this. I know most probably it’s something in me that I’m facing but still, I cannot get any clarity around it. At first it was just a little itchy but now I feel tense when she’s around. I also almost never look towards her, I feel like there is something energetically wrong between us.

Besides all these complex dynamics: me and girlfriend / me and girlfriend and mother / girlfriend and mother / etc. here is also another thing I find challenging. Do you remember when during my childhood I’ve had no privacy, and I basically lived in a room which wasn’t at all suitable for me, the one with the glass door ?

Well, you’re not gonna believe this. 

None of the rooms except the livingroom and bathroom have doors. They have some sort of accordion type door which folds and unfolds. It basically does nothing so very often no one bothers closing them anyways. Now you can imagine how someone like me who lacked his privacy during his childhood would feel in such apartment. I really feel like I’m lacking my own space, and I’m being challenged on a very deep level. I know! I know! It does sound like these issues are reaching out to be healed/fixed .. but I’m not sure amongst all the things going on I have the space to deal with that. It really feels like a lot to process. I stayed because I thought I can deal with it somehow, or I might even be able to overcome this discomfort. There is always a teaching in everything, especially in such coincidences.

Now, after almost burning out all my mental energy and almost going nuts, I told my girlfriend that I hate her mum and I’m going crazy. Well, I didn’t exactly say that.. but I told her I don’t feel good around her mum and I miss my privacy. These weeks we’ve discussed many things, going through all kinds of roller-coasters. She’s been very understanding and suggested we should look for a room somewhere else. I think that’s a good idea, maybe it would be good for both of us and I do believe that living here also effected our relationship. I think we could benefit from a better setup, a more suitable space where we can grow together as a couple. Her mum’s alright you know.. but I don’t think this kind of dynamics are suitable for this stage of relationship we are having. We are still getting to know each other… and we should be having better intimacy.

Dammit.. what a mess right ?! But the mess has changed and that I like. It means I’m learning something, and moving on. Nothing worse than being stuck in the same places. 🙂

Anita, thank you for reading this ! Of course I’ve haven’t been very brief..  Once I start..

I’m looking forward to hear your thoughts about this and I wish you a lovely evening, or day !