Dear Mindy

You have much sadness to bare. Please find a grief counselling group locally to augment your therapy.  Not being part of your sons final send off is hard. I was not allowed to go to my ex ‘s funeral, so on the day I held my own private ceremony to mark his passing this helped me feel connected to him. There is a lovely written guided meditation for survivors of suicide by Thubten Chodren. Anniversaries can be hard and you can either choose to mark them with a specific act of memory it is best to make it something small so that as the years go by it does not hinder your healing or become a burden. Or you can choose to do something new to celebrate their life ( at your age I would not suggest bungy jumping) maybe visit an art gallery.

Others on this site have given you guidance and input on your surviving family. My only suggestion is to send your surviving son a hand written note, acknowledging his suffering without any hint of blame. there is a lovely quote used by Ajhan Brahm is “The door to my heart is always open to you”.

I hope that you find the support & friendship to get thru this traumatic season.