Dear Robi1992:

Good Tues morning to me (soon to be 9 am), good Tues afternoon to you (soon to be 6 pm). What a delight it is to read your recent post, I am so impressed with your awareness, amazing!

First, congratulations for being financially independent from your parents since June last year!

Second, your intelligence and awareness amazes me: “It’s funny how I was uncomfortable to move from an uncomfortable place… I do very often ask myself where some things come from…  Once I put light on them they start losing their power“- exactly! What we are used to is more comfortable- although uncomfortable- than what we are not used to. It is because as humans, we are creatures of habit. Putting light on.. bad habits, is the beginning of dissolving them.

“She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away…  I would look at her and I would instantly feel tension… In time I started being irritated by the sound of her in general, walking, talking etc…But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood…I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other”.

“I knew this is probably related to my mother and my childhood… I’m basically experiencing a past experience that had a traumatic effect on me and caused me a lot of discomfort and anger. It made me feel trapped, constantly monitored, constantly seen but not really seen for real. I hated it and I’ve had no choice but to bottle up, get angry in my head, call her ( or them ) names, get angry at them. I suppressed my authenticity, my voice, myself in order to keep the relationship, the shelter. I’ve had no choice as a child and for months now, It felt like I’ve had no choice as an adult” (the boldface feature in this quote was chosen by you)-

– let me take a break from your experience and share about my similar experience: it so happens that what you described above in boldface has been my experience growing up with my mother, same thing (100%). And I remember how I hated myself for feeling this way about a supposedly good woman: my mother. At the time I thought she was good (she said so, other people said so). * Interestingly, when you mentioned the accordion like doors in the flat where you are at: growing up, I remember the accordion door in the very small flat where I grew up.

Anyway, my anger at my mother was so intense, so VERY intense. To say that she saw me but didn’t really see me is an understatement. I was the LONELIEST child in the world, yet she (my mother) was always there (too much; it felt like always, like a hellish kind of eternity), and I certainly felt trapped, used to fantasize about getting away from her, it felt like it would be the most wonderful thing in the world, to no longer be around her.

She was there a lot, talking a lot but …(I am typing now as the thoughts occur to me, not editing): I was 100% not in the communication with her. She was talking about me sometimes but.. not really about me. I was nowhere there to be found. It was like being stuck in a vacuum or sorts, like squeezed with no space to be. It stresses me to have this image I just wrote. No Space to Be. No Place for Me.

I will now go back to what you wrote: “Before, my parents gave me shelter and later on…  paid for my accommodation and expenses… My girlfriend kept asking me.. Why did you stay for so long? Why would you live with someone who irritates you?…  I don’t know exactly right now, what did this really show me so far? What is this teaching me? All I know for now that this has the potential to put me on the right track, on my way to healing one more painful childhood experience.“-

– after reading what I quoted right above, and related to my experience which I shared about before this quote, the title of the movie “Waiting to Exhale” came to my mind: holding my breath growing up, because there is No Space, No Place for me.. no air for me…  so if I exhaled, there will be no new air to take in. So I lived.. waiting for such time in the future when there will be new air for me.. Freedom to Be.

Your girlfriend asked you why would you stay in a situation that angers you so much.. creatures of habit we are, aren’t we: the new air is over there.. but we are not in the habit of breathing new air; we are in the habit of holding our breath. What do you think/ feel?

anita