See below for corrected post without all the errors:

I lost my cousin and close friend a year ago. It was the most devastating loss I’ve dealt with. I’ve been depressed for the last year and while I have my boyfriend and family’s support on this, it bothers me that my friends aren’t really there. I have two friends in particular that I confide in because our friendship has lasted over 20 years now and we’ve always been there for each other since day one. They know the most about me and I them, but when it comes to expressing our feelings, it’s hard not to notice how different we’ve become in recent years.

When I first reached out to them about my cousin, it was the typical “sorry for your loss” and “that sucks” comments, which is fine. I didn’t expect anything more. But when I tried to talk about it throughout the last year, it either becomes a competition over who is actually depressed and whose feelings matter more. One of those friends feels like no one can relate to him because he has it rough. His problems are always worse than yours and mine, but he doesn’t realize that we have more in common with him than he thinks. So anytime I try to talk about it with him, his comments tend to be “what do you have to be sad for? You have a boyfriend to actually love you. You have a house and we don’t. You make more money than us. You’re going to be fine and well off, but my world is crumbling and you can never understand or relate to that feeling.” The other friend is more self-centered and tries to use any conversation to turn it into being about her and her depression. Of course I rather her talk to me because I know how it feels to keep things bottled up, but it just hurts when no one seems to care about what I’m going through without them wanting to dismiss it and make it about them.

Even though I haven’t been ok, I always try to check in with all my friends and make sure they’re ok and if they need to talk, etc. I noticed in the last several months, I’ve been the only one to initiate conversations. After Christmas though, I stopped reaching out and went MIA a little. Then finally someone recognized that and reached out. I let them know I’m not ok and didn’t even say anything. They left me on read. Then I check in to see how they are and suddenly they’re talkative again because it’s about them now and they need me to help/listen to them.

I don’t get it. I truly don’t understand why some people aren’t really there for you when they claim to be your best friend and especially when you’re always there for them. I don’t do things for others just for reciprocation, but honestly, sometimes I wish some friends put in the same effort as me every once in a blue moon. I’m lucky to have my therapist, boyfriend, and family, but I could also really use my friends. I’m not sure what this post is supposed to accomplish. I don’t even think I’m looking for advice here. I just needed to get it off my chest because it bothers me sometimes and I guess I was hoping someone else can relate so we can talk about it here.