Dear Maisy:

* Please excuse the “anitaplease” at the end of my short reply to you yesterday. It’s a non-edit mistake.

“I do struggle being true to myself because that almost always involves hurting someone else with no intention. I end up crossing my own boundaries just to make sure their feelings are spared“-

– when you tell someone what your boundaries are, and they repeatedly cross your boundaries, do you.. let them continue to cross your boundaries (being passive) so that their feelings don’t get hurt, or do you assert yourself (being active)?

If you know what’s fair and just then you can use what’s fair and just to guide you, instead of using feelings as your sole guide.

“My problem seems to be putting myself in situations I shouldn’t put myself in just to be able to make a stand. In this case, it was agreeing to catch up in the first place then informing the person they aren’t a priority or considered a close friend“-

– I like using the acronym NPARR before talking or acting in ways that may cause a problem. Maybe this acronym can help you too: it stands for Notice, Pause, Address, Respond-or-not, Redirect.

Let’s look back at what happened recently between you and F: “We connected on social media and she reached out to say hi. It was very casual. She asked if I wanted to come over for a drink one night. so I did because why not?“- if you felt just a bit weird about reconnecting with her at that time, that would have been the time to Notice that you feel weird about it, and then, before saying hi and getting into a casual, friendly conversation with her, it would have been time to Pause (take a break from the computer, do something relaxing), take your time to Address and answer questions like: Has something in her life changed to make her more of a positive friend? Do I really want to resume a friendly relationship with her, or maybe it’s better that I don’t?

Next, when you feel at peace with your answers, you Respond or not,  and then you Redirect- place your attention elsewhere.

“I could have taken that initial reach out text and used it to let her know why I stopped contact on my end…“- this could have a possible Response at the time.

Back to being true to yourself: I wish you a True rest of 2023!

anita