Dear SereneWolf,

I’m stressed out for other things like if I’m going to join the company, again I’ll have to build the good team relationships with different people.

Oh so you would be leaving to another company? I thought you’d be moving up the ladder in your current one… What made you want to leave so soon, after only 3 months of being a manager there?

The team that I have now I’m just too much comfortable around them but now thinking about other people and task feels like so much challenge and I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed and about this. I’m asking myself like am I capable of doing this?

Well, it is sort of sudden… Although you’d probably manage to get used to the new people, just like you did with your current team. You say you feel “too much comfortable” around them – does it mean the atmosphere is pleasant and you work well together as a team? What about the changes and improvements you’ve introduced – are you pleased with that?

Well that would be like I’m kind of dependent? Also it’s just I don’t know awkward for me

Okay, so if you show the need for her love and attention, you’re afraid you’ll seem needy, and this to you is a weakness, right?

There is a great video by Henry Cloud about the importance of connection. He talks about 4 states we can be in: 1) alone and disconnected, 2) in a bad relationship, 3) numbing the pain of loneliness with various addictions including escape into work, and 4) in a healthy relationship.

The title of the video is “Why it’s important to stay connected“. In the first 2 minutes there’s a bit of rambling, but after that he gets into the meat of it – definitely worth watching!

Thanks for your advice for the date I’ll take the important notes like Asking instead of assuming and Honest and open communication.

You’re welcome!

So just today we were talking and out of nowhere she asked like are you a person who prefers commitment in relationship or the other way around. So I told her that Honestly if she’s thinking about anything long term commitment with me She can stop. Because as of now I’m not ready for that and therefore I don’t want to waste your time and energy if you want something like that.

I see… so it seems your fear of a long-term commitment got triggered when she mentioned  it, and your knee-jerk reaction was to run away. A while ago we talked about a committed relationship and freedom, and how it is possible to have both, of course with the right person. But I guess you fear was stronger, so you didn’t want to even try to see what happens next in the relationship and if such compatibility is possible. You called it quits immediately. I am not saying this to judge you, but so you can notice what happened…

So she was like I already feel exhausted from dating and things (She’s same age as me) So I was surprised. So I was like I feel like I’ve only started this. And you’re already exhausted?

Well, it could be that she’s already experienced quite a few failed relationships and would like at least a chance at something serious? That the guy she is dating doesn’t categorically refuse such an option…

Maybe her question scared you away, because you thought she’ll be expecting you to marry her? But perhaps she only asked if you’re open to a long-term committed relationship, i.e. don’t exclude this possibility from the get-go?