Hi Helcat

This morning as I woke to a general sense of anxiety for no apparent reason, the usual thoughts followed, wishing that I could end it as in die. To be candid I cannot remember a time when these thoughts of ending things have not been part of my life. So when I read you post I could relate to your question as I asked it myself this very morning.

It seems to me these thoughts have been planted deep from a early age and the part of the self that keeps bringing them to the surface is doing so more out of habit that for a reason. I assume their is a part of that self that is addicted to them.

My method of dealing with it has been to take a step back and observe the observer that is experiencing the anxiety from which the thoughts arise.  A practice of detachment to unblock the flow and move on from the thoughts. It sometimes works though this morning the frustration of noticing these thoughts arise yet again and not knowing why got in the way. Why can be a very unskillful word especially, as I’m beginning to suspect, this is no why, at least no one that is relevant to the present.

Allan Watts said “If you want to outwit the devil, it is extremely important that you don’t give him advanced notice. Even if you only announce to yourself your intentions, the devil will know, because who do you think the devil is? You”

I think part of what Allan is referring to with that statement is the art of ‘doing by not doing’ That when you try not to have such thoughts as suicided ideation your pretty much going to have those thoughts.  And to that I have no answer as part of the problem is language itself… and the constant nattering of the inner narrator that can’t seem to help itself in describing every thought and feeling.

Something I learned was the life is a cycle of birth, death, rebirth – the reality of every breath. Put another way Life eats Life, or Life requires the sacrifice of Life in the pursuit of Life and growth.  This is the reality of organic organisms and the subjective things as thoughts, feelings, desires, fears….. such things have their time to be born and to die so that we might learn and grow.

Only the ego isn’t usually fully conscious of this reality and or does not trust it, that rebirth will follow. Such a ego consciousness does not like IT as it feels like death as a ending, so It resist this flow of life, which it can’t. This produces anxiety and the paradoxical desire of ending this cycle by suicide.  The ego self fear of “dying” creating the suicidal ideation, which surly is ironic.

Anyway I took that to mean that when I experience thoughts of suicide its a sign pointing to the likelihood that I’m holding on to something that needs to die so that a something else might grow. I suspect thier are a few things I’m holding onto that is blocking flow.  Thus we work for that which no work is required as the flow is always flowing and the thought we are blocking it only a illusion. Holding on to something which time has come to ‘die‘, still ‘dies’, only the rebirth of what come next has changed.

So this morning I woke up ‘on the wrong side of the bed’ but seeing your post didn’t feel so quite alone.  My name is Peter and I’m addicted to Suicidal Ideation…