Dear SereneWolf,

when we scheduled an online date together and at last minute, she changes her plans and she be like is that okay if we do it later or some other time? Or like when we decided to watch something together and she be like let’s talk instead of movie.

The way I see it is that it depends on her intention. If her intention was to spend time with you, and she’d rather talk than watch a movie, I don’t see it as a big problem. Specially if it didn’t happen often. If on the other hand she tended to cancel or change plans often, without any particular reason, that’s already a problem.

In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.

And for her it wasn’t much big deal, She’s like so what it’s just a date or a movie I’m like it’s not about that, It’s about Keeping your words!

Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.

That’s absolutely right! but yeah Hopeful romantic does sounds lot better. Should we start to write movie script on this?

Hahaha… yeah, it does sound like a movie title, and believe it or not, there already is a movie with such title (I’ve just checked). But anyway, having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.

I mean I do currently have lot of people that I admire but like none of them are family members or relatives. And when most of the people who are close to you and when they don’t appreciate maybe that’s why.

Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.

But like you said instead of knowing them gradually, Mostly I get anxious and have this rush to know everything about them, if we vibe or not, I start to notice little things and overthink about it, And even when there’s much less time we’ve spend together, I already start doubting on them

Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.

That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.

And if we do vibe, again I rush even more and expect them have same intensity as me just so I don’t feel like they’re not putting any effort into this.

If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?

Haha yeah she’s lot more action packed in person (As a doctor should be) But because of her work we can’t meet that much and in texting she’s just like.. Haha, Yeah, good.. I feel like I’m pushing her to type things So I’m texting her less now. And I’m like the opposite, in texting I’m much more talkative than in person, I mean even if it’s a new person. But yeah from my previous date we did talked a lot in person and spent a whole day together so who knows.

Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?

Before when my 1st LDR girlfriend tried to reach out to me after breakup. I told her that I can’t step down from romantic relationship to just “friends” It’s really hard for me and I don’t want to work for it. And she told me that it’s not about that but I don’t want to lose a person who impacted my life the most and most valuable to me. So just be in contact time to would make me feel much better. And after some thinking I said Yes to her. Because she also did make me more patient person.

Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.

He said that don’t just run towards challenges but build your mindset that way that, Whatever comes to you, it’s not even a challenge for you. Just like training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next challenging.

Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.