Hi Adam,

I think you handled your conversation with her wonderfully and with lots of self-awareness. For example this is a great and mature response:

She said she wants to talk and wants me in her life but I told her she needs to show me she wants me in her life and take action on it.

Yes, absolutely! She needs to show she is willing to break the push-and-pull cycle, and do something towards healing her own trauma.

She was the one that said we need to move on so I agreed and said I’m moving on, and that she needs to fix things. I gave her the treatment she gave me and she got upset!

Wow, good that you’ve noticed it! So you stood up for yourself, for your own best interests, and she got upset. Yeah, because so far when she would unjustifiably accuse you of hurting her, you would always end up apologizing and reassuring her you didn’t mean anything bad, and that you do love her.

Also, she was the one who was controlling the relationship because she was coming and going, and you’d always accept her back. True, she would apologize for overreacting, but then a short while later she would do it again. She would switch to this other, traumatized personality, and she would be unreachable again. You were accepting it and enduring it, having a lot of understanding, but she had no intention to work on herself.

So it was like she can do whatever she wants – you’d always be there for her when she chooses to go back and re-start the cycle. But now that you told her she can’t just go back without making some changes in herself – that’s what got her upset. You set a boundary for her, and she doesn’t like it.

After many messages she finally said this; If I’m being honest about what I want selfishly I’d be in your arms right now where I feel safe and comfortable and everything feels normal and I’d be happy. I say selfishly because I know that I will only result in more pain for both of us when we go through what we’ve gone through all over again.

Yeah, because if she doesn’t want to work on herself, it will cause more unnecessary pain for both of you. Specially for you, who are on the receiving end of her traumatic response.

She went on to say she loves me but is sorry she can’t give me what I want, taking both our best interest in mind. It’s like she is holding off pushing me away fully though and she doesn’t want me to push her away either but I have to cut ties I think.

Yes, when she tells you she can’t give you what you want, she’s telling you she doesn’t want to work on herself. She wants the status quo to continue, to be able to go back to you whenever she feels like, without taking any steps towards her healing.

Yes I agree she just wants a shoulder to try on it feels like, but then at times she doesn’t want to talk.

Well, I am thinking now that sometimes her not wanting to talk was a part of manipulation. As in, giving you the silent treatment for “hurting” her. Because that was the worst for you – when she cut you off and didn’t want to talk. Another reason why she sometimes couldn’t talk could have been the dissociation, i.e. the trauma response. So maybe she wasn’t doing that on purpose. But sometimes, it seems to me it was a way to “punish” you for what she felt was you hurting her.

It feels like she doesn’t want too loose me in case it doesn’t work out elsewhere or she feels ready one day.

Yes, I think you’re seeing it well. She wants you as a backup, she wants to have you attached to her, in case she needs you.

She is telling you she wants to be “safe in your arms”, but in the very next moment she won’t feel safe in you arms and will want to leave. And she wants you to accept that dynamic. Basically, to be “on standby” for her, whenever she needs it. Which is very selfish.

Neither of these are fair on me, I am starting to notice how much better I deserved.

I am so glad you’re starting to notice it, and starting to set a boundary to protect yourself.

I have to cut ties I think. This is such a messed up situation.

Yes, I think so too. If you stay friends with her, you will be her shoulder to cry on. But even worse, I think you’ll be tempted to get into relationship again, because it’s hard to hear such sweet words like she’s been telling you, and stay indifferent. So I think she could easily sway you into the relationship again, which would drag you to the “worst place in your life”, as you said.

Or if you can stay strong and resist her charms, you’d be still spending a lot of time and energy listening to her complaints, trying to help her, but with no real progress. So I agree that the best would be to cut ties, because it seems to me that nothing good can come out of you staying attached to her.