Dear TheltFactor,

I too think it was a good decision that you set a boundary and said No to an open relationship.

It seems you at first weren’t too bothered by his unwillingness to commit and his talk about wanting to “explore” what’s out there. But as the time went by and the relationship got deeper, you naturally developed strong feelings and wanted to become exclusive and serious. He however hasn’t changed his stance (he said he feels no need to “reevaluate”), in spite of deep intimacy and great compatibility between you. Which tells me that he indeed has some fears and blocks, which won’t go away on their own, even if you two have amazing compatibility.

Actually I believe that his alleged desire to explore other women and engage in an open relationship might be a cop out. You said he never went on dates while he was with you (although he was regularly mentioning his fear that there is a better match out there). You also said he is very conservative. So I guess he doesn’t really want an open relationship, but rather, he wants to have his cake and eat it too: he wants the non-committed status with you, while still enjoying the intimacy and great time with you.

I clarified that I do want to be with him but also don’t want to be settled for and cannot compromise my integrity as I know I would be getting hurt more.

I believe you’ve realized that you don’t want to be in a casual relationship any more, even though you agreed to it in the beginning. It’s completely natural that after a year of dating and developing a strong bond, you want to be his only one. You don’t want to listen to his stories about a better match out there – as if you’re not good enough. As if you’re a backup until something better comes along.

I mean, even if he doesn’t really want anyone else, his mind is telling him that he should be wanting it. And I think it’s a defense mechanism on his part, because he for some reason doesn’t want to commit. Perhaps because his marriage failed, or perhaps because he still has unresolved issues with his wife. There is a reason why he separated but hasn’t got divorced – maybe it’s not just logistical, but something else?

In any case, he seems unavailable at the moment – unavailable to fully commit to you. When you tried to pressure him and make him reevaluate, he came up with an even less committal solution, a solution that creates even more distance, which is an open relationship. Which means that his “solution” is to run further away from you, rather than get closer. Which shows how strong his fear of commitment is.

Currently, I am curious what he will say when the time comes but I am also just living my life as always.

It’s good that you’re not desperate to have him in your life. You said you have a fulfilling life, and you also respect yourself enough not to settle for something that would demean you.

You’ve also realized that a non-committed but exclusive relationship is not an option for you either, because it would only hurt you more. I wish you to stay strong and not settle for less than a fully committed, loving relationship!