Dear Anita,

Sorry I didn’t come back. I had a difficult time integrating all of this information and in general. Maybe the whole recounting was too much before, I got overwhelmed with my life. I still am, but I appreciate all of your insight and interpretation. I have an easier time now to read what you meant. I couldn’t go through all of it as you did, but I now came back to try and do it. I don’t know if you still read this or if you’ll ever get this but I want to answer, better late than ever. Just to clarify, I was not abused by my dad in any sexual or inappropriate way. I was sort of like the victim of his own wounds and difficult with being a more emotionally present figure. As you say in your post, i am still very much confused when it comes to know “whose fault it is” when something goes wrong. I’m not trying to place all blame in anyone, but I do believe that when people are violent and gaslight, like my family, it really helps to know when I’m entitled to know I’m not in the wrong. Many spiritual gurus now will say that there is no one at blame, that there is nothing evil or good in itself, that we all are one, etc., and this is confusing for survivors of traumatic experiences that involve abuse. I know now that I am angry at both of my parents, not just my dad, because in a way he did try to protect me from himself, I think, while being emotionally unable to give the love you give to a child. He was just serious and mostly absent, angry sometimes but mostly just away. Since he had to carry that image I was never too conscious of the amount of anger I felt towards my mom mostly complaining about this but never quite leaving, and when leaving, taking me to the most violent of places, although, she always gave me the love that others didn’t. IT WAS confusing. I was angry, a lot, and my family, much to their own fitting just reproduced the idea in others that I was a difficult teenager. Whatever. The point is, yes, there is a lot a lot to heal. And I don’t even know where to start, because in fact yes, I’ve been in therapy many times but i’ve failed to find one therapist who can be “on my side” (knowing this of course means I can see my mistakes as well). They’ve had a tendency to revictimize me a lot. That I think too much, or that I victimize myself… when in fact, honestly, this whole thread of messages I’ve left here only make me realize there’s a lot of pain that I haven’t been able to heal or share with anyone, to the point I’d rather come here and not be judged. My relationships with others are indeed painful and now that my mom has passed so many things have changed… I now see so clearly how I do think she failed to protect me from stuff. I now have some legal issues with my family cause she did try to leave it all clear for me but my family has legal rights over her stuff… so uGH. It’s been exhausting. Ive even lost friends to this whole episode of my life cause I can’t think of anything else, I’m sad and surviving, I guess, and I don’t blame myself too much. I try. I just want to see myself with softness and I expect others to do the same but it’s been wild, my best  friend  said she doesn’t have any more tools to “solve” my stuff and wants to stop being friends, for instance. I have become a master at letting go. But still, it hurts, this misconception of others trying to solve things for you, not loving you or being just present and cheering you up by sharing whatever. No, people get frustrated when they see others sad. And now it’s cost me some friends, I’ve gained others, but I feel losing the only people that knew me before… Since my family did abuse me for years so, to check myself for blame is nothing new. Very sad. I totally need therapy but I’m tired of others judging me for whatever blame they always find in my story. A cycle I hope to get out of, but in the end it seems like some people do more harm than good so I guess the only therapy is exercise? Yoga? Meditation? I hope you are good, Anita. Hugs.