Hello Tee,

My absolute favorite would be a nature walk with my husband, but since I am suffering with mobility in recent years, this is one thing I had to practically give up, and it’s very hard

Oh I can totally understand that. Nature walk are really soothing. And I guess even more when you’re walking with your S/O. I hope you get healthy soon so you can continue your nature walks

Oh I see… so you are always on the lookout, fearing that somebody (perhaps your boss or an authority figure?) might be displeased with you and lash out at you (verbally)? So you’re afraid of being judged when among people?

I mean I know they’re professional they wouldn’t lash out at me that easily but easily disappointed because of something? Yeah! But yeah I’m afraid of being judged

You also don’t like people who are constantly critical and try to dominate you (I guess because they remind you of your father?):

Yes Exactly!

I wonder if perhaps your mother showed some of the manipulative behavior in the past, e.g. when she would tell you to be “mature” and not react angrily to your father?

Hmm I guess so?

Could it be that you are sensitive to other people’s anger/frustration/negativity (because it reminds you of your father)? And that you are also sensitive to “weaker” emotions, perhaps worry and sadness, because it reminds you of your mother?

I guess it’s bit of both? One of the reasons why I haven’t been enough emotionally expressive. Because I’d feel like I’m being rude and insensitive to others

I like the word! Good if you can appreciate her honesty and emotional expressiveness. You don’t feel like she is trying to manipulate you with her emotions, right?

Well that’s easy to answer as of now. Because you know when some people give you bad vibes even though they’re acting nice with you? So, I don’t think she’s manipulating with her emotions.

Another thing is that it’s hard to know if she’s emotionally mature or not. Because so far I do like her innocent emotional behaviour. She’s like a naïve little girl who doesn’t like to bottle up emotions like we “mature” adults do

What feels like the biggest work in your current relationship? What’s the hardest?

Self esteem, Being emotionally expressive, Being compassionate with myself that’s what I can think about now

Yes, you can’t be the only one “carrying” the relationship. Or as we’ve talked before, if you are trying to change the other person and be their therapist, then of course it feels like hard work. Because you are trying to work against their own self-sabotage and their resistances…

And it took me years to realize that 😂

Well, you’ll see relatively soon that the person has a lot of issues, they can’t be happy, they are addicted, they are self-sabotaging, they are playing hot and cold (one day they are very into you, the next they are rejecting you and being distant) etc etc. So you’ll be able to notice that something’s not right, that they are fighting an internal battle and can’t be really present in the relationship. And then you’ll let them go, instead of trying to “save” them…

Right I agree few days ago there was this reel on my IG. She was like after you’re healed, It’s really easy to see red flags everywhere. And dating will be even harder because you wouldn’t just settle with anyone. And there are lot of people who doesn’t even know that they need to heal their selves.

Are you talking about the decisions you took in romantic relationships? Like when you followed your intuition and it turned out to be the right decision?

Haha no I mean like workwise decisions. But good question when it comes to romantic relationships, I didn’t felt like I’m taking a big decision.

Well, I think everyone who was exposed to prolonged emotional abuse suffers from CPTSD. It’s a different name for developmental trauma – it didn’t happen suddenly, like one traumatic event, but over a long time, i.e. while growing up. So I guess you have it, same as me and numerous other children with emotionally abusive/unsupportive parents.

Oh right I agree and I think that’s also the reason that it’s giving me nightmares sometimes

Like just last night I had a dream that my father was angry at me and comparing me with someone but this time I didn’t listened, and I got angry at him and told him lot of things that I wanted to tell him! It could be the sign that I still haven’t forgive him and I’m carrying that baggage?

Right… so you’re still afraid of their judgment. You still care what they’ll think of you, and I think it’s because a part of you still believes you’re not good enough. So you need their validation and approval.

Yeah which I think it’s really concerning thing to work on

Yes, you were criticized a lot, and you internalized that voice, and so now you don’t only have the voice of your father and grandfather against you, but also your own inner critical voice. So it’s 3 to 1. Three critics to one helpless inner child. Fortunately, you’re developing the positive father voice to counter those critics. But it takes time, it doesn’t happen over night…

Yeah it’s years of their sweat it doesn’t going to just disappear over night😂

But I won’t give up. I’m stubborn too so 😌

What exactly did she suggest you talk to them about? I mean, if you still have an unhealthy emotional bond (which in my opinion is the fear of their judgement, i.e. the need for their approval), only you can release that bond. Only you can set yourself free.

Because as you said, your parents will likely not change. They’ve changed somewhat in the sense that they (specially your father) isn’t that judgmental with you any more. But I guess they’ll never approve of all of your decisions, e.g. they’ll never approve of you getting a tattoo

What I am saying is that if you want their blessing to live your life as you please, I don’t think you’ll get it. And I don’t think it’s necessary either. There will be always something they will disagree with. And that’s fine.

What you’d rather need is to free yourself from the need to get their approval… It’s you who should set yourself free, not them…

I mean I know what you mean and I agree. But she suggested me kind of things that I’m feared to talk to them I already know their response (Somewhat) It’s just kind of practice not letting my fear of speaking for myself to be grown even more..

Another thing I know my parents did things knowingly or unknowingly. But I don’t want to be a typical American psycho kid who thinks it’s cool to have not good relationship with their parents because of the rise of modern business “therapy”. Because at the end of the day the day they are part the family, and family does matter. And I’m not saying I want perfect relationship with them because I know it’s not possible, But just not hateful relationship.

This week it was my birthday, I’m in my late 20s now. And oh dear I definitely felt like “Time is passing too fast” I mean I know it’s normal and there wasn’t any critical voice this time. But it does feel that time is going too fast and I don’t know what I’m trying to get a hold on, World is moving fast, I don’t know why am I feeling pulled down and if I don’t, I feel like I’m missing out a lot as of my age.. I guess we always run for big achievements when we think it’s meaningful but after we’ve achieved it, It just lost it’s meaning.. So it’s like a constant chasing something that we’re sure we won’t be satisfied with…