Dear Dafne,

you’re welcome, and thank you for your kind words!

I understand now why you considered asking for divorce papers pretty soon in the relationship – because you have been fooled before! It seems this man you were in a long-term relationship with used you for taking care of his small kids and never wanted to marry you. Even if he was always available and responsive, and there were no warning signs, he wasn’t available for marriage. But you didn’t know that, since he was lying to you.

I think that in the light of this painful experience, you can actually ask for divorce papers from the guy, once you see the relationship is getting serious.

Also, what I’ve noticed is that you said “when I started to push for marriage“. Never push for marriage – I mean, if the guy isn’t willing to marry you, there’s no point in pushing. Better leave. You want someone who wants to enter marriage happily, not pressured.

For that to happen, I think you’d need to clarify certain things relatively soon in the relationship – such as what’s his view of marriage (and children, if you’d like to have children). You don’t need to talk about it immediately, but within a few months, if you see things are doing well and there is potential for a long-term relationship. Talk about your desires and expectations about the future, and see if they match what they guy wants.

Just an update: I’ve sent a text to the last guy (separated policeman that pushed for sex) to ask how he was doing and he red it but did not reply. I guess not kissing him on that 1 date was a deal broker for him or maybe there is another reason?

I am glad he didn’t reply because he realized he cannot trick you into having sex with him. So he lost interest. That was the deal breaker for him: his inability to trick you into getting what he wants. He saw you have demands, you wanted to be his friend and get to know him, and that’s not what he wanted. He only wanted sex, no strings attached. So be glad that he’s gone from your life!

Tee, what mistakes do you think I’m making with all those men? How would you react on my place?

Hm… I am thinking that you might need to be more resolute with men and set your boundaries better. For example, when the policeman came to pick you up, you told him that he should choose the destination, and when he proposed his apartment, you gave in after some convincing from his side. You didn’t like it, you made him promise he wasn’t going to force you to have sex (After a long convincing and promise that he won’t be forcing me to sleep with him, I went to his place.) But still, you gave in to a completely inappropriate demand: to go to his place for your first date.

This should be a boundary, a red line, that you’re not wiling to cross. Even if the guy is pleading, making all kinds of excuses etc, you simply say “No, I can’t go to your apartment. Let me know when you’re ready to meet in public.”

So, I think you’d need to have that inner strength and determination to refuse things that go against your wishes and where you’re not respected.

Do you feel that a lot of times in your relationships you’re suppressing your wishes or going against them, because you’re afraid to lose the guy?