Dear Dafne,

you are welcome!

My 50’s mindset doesn’t always fit well into this modern dating culture. Nowadays, the hookup culture doesn’t help women to settle down. Sex is too available and most men want an easy access, so to say. I’m a hopeless romantic but maybe too naive at the same time.

Yes, the hookup culture is widespread, but you can still stick to your values. Many women are hurt after agreeing to have casual sex, developing feelings, and then realizing that the guy doesn’t want anything serious. So I encourage you to not give up your values for some societal practice, which actually harms women… and would harm you too, no doubt about that.

At first those 3 options seemed good & innocent but you’re right they can be traps. And going to his place again and refusing sex may actually mess up with any future possibilities with him. Isn’t it?

If you go to his place with the intention to talk and get to know him better, you can do it in a public place too. I am convinced he would try to initiate sex, and if you refuse, he might get angry. I mean, I don’t want to frighten you, but what if he thinks that your coming to his place means you’re willing to have sex (even if you said No), and then starts becoming pushy and aggressive once you refuse? I don’t know… going there for the 2nd time, after he has told you his conditions (that he wants cuddles and isn’t interested in a real relationship) – seems to me like putting yourself in a potentially dangerous, or at best a very uncomfortable situation.

So I will not invite him to my place or go over to his before going out in public. Meanwhile, I will also keep my eyes open for other possibilities. I pray for a miracle to happen.

Good! Please don’t meet in private before you meet at least a few times in public.

The last time he called me (few days ago), I said that we need to postpone as it is too late now to come over. So after my refusal he expects me to call him and let him know when I will come over.

You see? He is expecting you to come to his place, and only wants to meet you under those conditions. To me, it’s a clear sign that he doesn’t want anything else but sex. He is practically demanding it (I mean, that’s his condition to keep seeing you), and is telling you to take it or leave it.

Tee, how can I apply your suggestion now about meeting in public? I’m not sure what wording can I use. I want to insist in a polite way that I’ve been thinking and decided that I’m interested only in going out for a walk or drink and for the moment won’t be coming to his place until he is ready to ask me out.

You’ve phrased it very well in the above paragraph. You can say something like: “[His name], I’ve been thinking and decided that I’m interested only in going out for a walk or drink and for the moment won’t be coming to your place. If you’re not willing to ask me out, I can’t keep seeing you.”

If he tells you “alright I’ll go out with you, but only if you come to my place”, you tell him “Unfortunately, that doesn’t work for me. I’d like to go out on dates with you, and if you don’t want that, I can’t keep seeing you.”

I’m really bad at texting or expressing myself on the phone so really need your help with that conclusive phone call (and also how many more days to wait with the call

I think it’s best if you write down what you want to say on a piece of paper, so you don’t get confused in the moment. Stay strong and focused on your own values and your worth. You don’t need to give in to a guy who doesn’t care about you and only wants you for sex.

You can call him whenever you feel ready. In a few days perhaps (say a week after your last call)?

Let me know how it went!

I am rooting for you, Dafne, wishing you strength and determination!