Hey Tee,

I feel a lot better about it this time. I understand she hasn’t changed now. The final break up text cemented that. Again no closure and was too much of a coward to even do it in person.

It. Really did feel like it was all about her and your analogy of the remote control car in one of your previous comments was a perfect one. She really did control everything including how I felt. When I would resist or stand my ground it was more signs of imperfect love, I was only trying to encourage her own self reliance. I was living through the lens of her happiness and not my own.

I never heard of trauma bonding until today but I started seeing the signs of emotional abuse last week. This was definitely what I was experience as well as manipulation. I think it was unintentional but still that isn’t what I want from a relationship.

I do feel a bit different, I don’t know how to describe it but I feel violated and taken advantage.

She told me I need to change by being there for her more and understanding what she was feeling. I was constantly told I wasn’t listening to her or understanding her needs. Yet I understood fully, however she didn’t understand mine. The responsibility of work and owning a house is a lot. She has neither and for this reason she couldn’t understand the demand of my life at times. Always about her, always dismissing my valid points in arguments and telling me I was going round in circles. To be fair we both were.
She would accuse me of not having my priorities right, expecting that she should be number 1 before anything else. My priority is my future, family and me. I feel as if these all correlate in my life and a partner is included in that, not any higher or lower on some list. Speaking of lists she was always trying to get one up on me during arguments like it was a scoreboard. She was actually just plain rude to me during our last argument and not rational at all. I felt so defeated

I am waking up to it. I felt so trapped and alone the day before she left me. It’s because I was in the end. I was suffering in silence because of her mental instability. I felt as I couldn’t speak in fear of upsetting her or just being straight up rejected. That in itself is hurting me as I am questioning if I maybe should have spoken up more. However I don’t think it would change any outcome.

I know I need to stop. I have removed her off everything and my headspace is on fixing myself and not latching onto hopes of a future relationship. I texted My psych again today I hopes to book another appointment. I bottled everything up last session as I was too afraid to say I felt I was being abused emotionally, I wasn’t sure if it was me overthinking.

thanks for the reply Tee