Thank you Helcat and Tee for your replies.

And thank you for reminding me that not everyone has to be forgiven, cause my efforts to forgive didn’t work so far. Maybe I should accept the fact that I can’t come to 100% peace with her in my mind. And I have to live with it maybe… And my effort should be toward forgiving myself and giving myself permission to live again.

and yes, I have to learn how to recognize selfish people and unhealthy relationships. Any advice about it or a book to read would be so helpful.

“Just a thought: it could be that you were attracted to older women, because they served as a mother figure, and you wanted love and appreciation from a mother figure?”
I don’t know about it. Thank you for reminding me about it. I do some meditation and think about it.

Do you have any practical day to day advice to overcome this deep feeling of anger?