Hi Helcat,

My own sex life with my partner is going pretty much as well as it could, though she is currently stressed with her College work, and I am secretly stressed with this. I am open to exploring pretty much everything she’s interested in doing, and she’s told me I am probably the best she’s been with, though this was admittedly after confiding in her about my own insecurity around sex.

She has also asked me if I personally would be open to a three way, which I would be. She’s expressed that she’d only want to do it once or twice, and probably not for a few months at least.

It does raise certain fears for me yes, for one, I wonder whether I would not be good enough compared to the other person, or perhaps, come the actual event, I wouldn’t be as into it as I thought. It’s certainly intimidating for someone who has only been with two people individually before.

You are correct that a loving relationship is clearly more important to her than a three way. As strange as it sounds, I cannot seem to get past the notion that this three way may have been some kind of formative experience – something that her and this couple will share that will always be special to them. Maybe, in an individual sense, more special than any one time we have slept together. Even if we did have a three way with someone else, for instance, it would not be as special as the first time she did it.

I can respect this is certainly something I will have to get past in the future. Say this relationship shouldn’t work out for any reason, and I’m dating again, it’s likely I’ll end up meeting someone who actually did have a fulfilling relationship before me, maybe even one they would have liked to stay in. My current partner, it seems, never did. In my mind, this event is the closest thing, though I’m sure in reality there were more meaningful sexual experiences in her past. For me, the reason for my obsession is that she’s still friends with this couple. The events that brought together my first relationship were a lot more idylic and romantic than this one – but I don’t look back too fondly because of the terrible way that relationship ended. Had things ended on amicable terms, and were will still friends today – as my partner is with this couple – I’m sure it would be a lot different.

I understand that obsessive thought is often rooted in some kind of fear, but I’m not really able to work out what it would be in this case. Do I sincerely think my partner would leave me? Absolutely not. Do I think this three way was more important than our relationship? Not a chance. Back then, the idea of looking for a relationship alone was more important than this event. So what am I afraid of?

Thank you for your kind words about my emotional maturity, it is much appreciated.

Harry