Hi Adam,

I am struggling to not beautify the relationship. I know it was quite toxic, manipulative and controlling. But I just have that feeling within me that I could’ve made anything work with this person. Almost as if it’s meant to be for a reason and we will reconnect.

I know how hard it is to let go when we believe we’re meant to be with someone. That’s the worst. I’ve experienced it myself once and it was devastating. But I’ve learned since that my strong attachment to this person came from my own unmet needs. I believed this person possessed some qualities that I don’t, and that together we can complement each other. And that this will help me fulfill my “mission” in life. So I saw this person as a prerequisite for me fulfilling my mission. And I believed that without them, I would fail. That’s what made it so hard to let go of them, and felt like the end of the world.

So I believe that in the large majority of cases when we feel a strong attachment and believe the relationships is “destined”, it’s actually our deepest longings and fears that drive us. In short, we believe we need this person to be happy and fulfilled. And that without them, there is no way we can be that. That’s what I think is behind the intense longing. But of course, it’s not true. It’s a false belief.

And perhaps for you, this “something” you believe you won’t have without her, and that you’re desperately missing, is spontaneity, playfulness and passion:

I admire those things a lot and do feel like sometimes I am not spontaneous in particular.

I think I look for childishness and spontaneity in a partner as it it something I feel I lack when I’m single and alone.

I adored how she had a real love for her passion.

It could be that somewhere along the way, you lost (or rather, suppressed) those qualities, which are inherent in every child. I noticed you said gaming was the only thing you did as a child:

I think gaming has something to do with my inner child as it’s all I did as a kid.

Would you like to say a bit more about this? Does it mean you haven’t spent much time with your parents, doing fun stuff, but were mostly at home, at your computer? If so, I can see how this is not very conducive to a child developing their passion and interests.

So respect my needs and boundaries. Maintain a degree of freedom. Don’t try rescue. Don’t allow blaming and guilt tripping. Be warned by double standards. Is that a decent summary of the lessons?

Yes, that’s an excellent summary – straight to the point! 🙂

I’m not sure of this third lesson. I feel like I did accept her for who she was. I understood her trauma, mental issues and needs to the best of my ability. It was almost as though she didn’t accept me. Do you mean don’t get into a relationship with someone who isn’t healed fully. I’m not sure if she was even trying to actually heal, I think she wanted too but was actually bottling it all up.

Well, you’ve been nudging her to get a job, seek therapy, get her life in order. You were not wrong for expecting those things from your partner. However, you were wrong in pushing her to become a good enough partner for you – because she wasn’t able to and didn’t show any interest in healing. So you got fixated on her and changing her (or waiting till she decides to change).

That was a wrong approach. You should have realized that you can’t change a person if they don’t want to change. And also, that it’s unhealthy to stay with someone who is abusive and doesn’t meet some basic requirements of what you consider a good partner.

So, to summarize: your desire to have a relatively healthy and stable partner, who isn’t suffering from major trauma, is a legitimate one. However, your attempts to make her into that healthy and stable partner (or the expectation that she would make herself into that partner) was mistaken.

I don’t know if I’ve actually learned these lessons yet and I’m worried I may not.

It could be, because the heart’s longing overwrites what we rationally know. Desire is a potent force. But as I said above, this desire is born out of our own wounds and false beliefs. If you believe she is your destiny, it will be incredibly hard to let go.

Last time we split up she got very emotional 3 weeks later when she realized I was still caring. I am so tempted to show her that I still am but I think it’s just a lost cause… I don’t know why I still do and why I still would want this person even after everything we have spoken about I still feel a strong connection.

Again, I think the explanation is like the one I mentioned above: strong desire born out of your unmet needs and false beliefs. I can tell you that I too had a hard time blocking that person whom I thought I was destined to be with. It was like letting go of something so true and precious… And I was so totally wrong!

So I encourage you to stay strong and not reach out, and to actually unfollow her (if you can’t block her). Because like this, you’re staying connected with her, like with an umbilical cord, and it makes it so much harder for you to start healing.