Dear Seaturtle:

“In high school… I was ignored, they would stop whispering once I came over, they would not pass the ball to me even if I was part of the play…They made me feel awkward and I was UNSEEN completely. Then I would go home to my dad who also could not see me”- this was a painful experience for you, quite traumatic for a teenager to be excluded socially. I am sorry that you went through this.

“I needed therapy, being unseen is, I believe, genuinely dangerous.“- what an original, powerful way to put it. And you are right.. the violent things that some people do after being unseen for too long.

“What makes it all worse is I had no idea they thought I ‘tattled,’ I had no idea why they went from friends to bullies… This makes me feel validated that they were not helpful replies. I came here to feel seen and those responses made me feel the opposite, but I didn’t know why and thought maybe my concerns were too minuscule to be acknowledged”-

– you didn’t know why..  I always want to know the why-s: it helps to know:

In your chosen title of your first thread, you asked for help: “Please help me“, and you added in the title: “my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months“. You assertively and clearly stated what you needed and wanted: help so that your tired mind can rest. Instead, you received condemnation, you were accused of being selfish, greedy, unappreciative and unreasonable (accusations that were not true):  “It appears that you have met a gentle kind man…  Yet this is not enough for you. you want to have your sense of self also massaged & pampered by him. Maybe you could swap him for someone who alternates between shallowly love bombing you and ghosting you!… No-one person can fulfill all our different needs all of the time..!“- my goodness, for crying out loud … Basically, you were bullied on your first thread.

Why? Because the person replying to you jumped to conclusions, that is assumed things about you without supportive evidence, and feeling angry at you.. expressed it clearly, never to reconsider, revisit the thread (within a reasonable time) and apologize. I have never, in all of the .. about 8 years on tiny buddha, commented on the replies of others, but if I was a participant at the time, I should have- would have- I hope (!)  stood up for you and against your (thread) bully.

At the same time, I need to hold myself accountable for what I would hold others accountable for: I need to do-no-harm to the people I choose to reply to: to Help, not to Harm. There are replies that I submitted in the past that I regret, and I am way more careful now- than I was before- to the principle of do no harm.

“Can two insecure parents raise a secure child?“- I don’t think so. But I’d say that two insecure parents can do their best to limit the physical and verbal expressions of their insecurity.

“Being insecure is a place I really do not like to be, my ground literally shakes and I feel paralyzed in my abilities to decide and even socialize. I want to be secure, and I know there will always be doses of insecurity in life but I do wish I was more sure of myself than I am right now”- it takes a village, like the saying goes. Let’s help each other best we can to feel more secure… in the insecure world we live in.

“My dad came to where I live this weekend because he had a golf tournament with some friends… This weekend I only got a small hour or so with him alone and in that small time he got teary eyed again, I could tell he was trying to hide it, and he told me he was proud of me. He genuinely asked me questions about myself while actually genuinely listening, I feel he may be beginning to see me… I think he is beginning to unsee what he thought of me that I was selfish and egocentric. Does this all mean he is growing up from a narcissistic development stage of childhood?”-

-I don’t know for sure, of course. I know what it took for me to change and care about other people: lots of attention, introspection, effort.. work over time, way more than a moment of having teary eyes. In regard to him asking you questions and genuinely listening: notice that you saw him only for a small hour during what I imagine was a relaxing weekend for him. His behavior during that one hour, in those circumstances (a golf tournament with friends) is not an indication of how he’d behave in normal circumstances on the long-run. Also, if as part of his job, let’s say, he has experience in asking questions and listening (and appearing to be empathetic while listening).. he may have extended that skill to you, for the length of that one hour.

“I still though have a fear he will revert back and see me how he did up till a year ago“- if he is indeed stuck in an early childhood development stage and he didn’t have extended psychotherapy and he didn’t sincerely and thoroughly apologize to you, his daughter, for his misdeeds then I would, if I was you, expect him to continue to be who he’s been,

“How do I undo this trauma response? Is it simply how you would end a bad habit by forcing yourself to not give in until the reaction/impulse is gone?“- yes (except that it’s not simple): behave in a different, new way in spite of the impulse, or compulsion to act the old way. It takes practice and a gentle, realistic attitude: lessening and enduring emotional discomfort and not expecting perfect execution or linear progress.

“As I briefly brought up my partner’s mom giving him the silent treatment and withholding affection, I thought it may help to shed some light on what I know about him. He told me his mom would do this and that she made him feel like a bad kid morally as he grew up. She being very Christian made him feel this way…  He said he felt he had to constantly tell his mom he was not a bad kid, but felt “UNSEEN” by her, and still does…  My partner said his dad would emotionally dump on him and he felt like his therapist growing up”-

– My input: clearly he needs you to not (1) give him the silent treatment, or in any way suggest to him that he is a bad person (like his mother did and maybe still does), (2)  emotionally dump on him (like his father did and maybe still does).

Seems like your emotional problems within the relationship motivate him to stay in the relationship because of his compulsion perhaps to act like his mother’s=> his partner’s therapist.

Having read about how often you get distressed in his presence, feeling relief when not in his presence and contemplating breaking up with him, I think that taking an actual break (not a breakup) for long-enough will take care of your current heightened distress level and will open your heart and mind to feeling way better about him and about yourself.

You can’t solve problems when under heightened distress- except for the quick and relatively easy, short-term solution of breaking up with him. A solution I imagine that you will regret on the long-term. You need your distress level- over days and weeks- to get lower first, so that you can think clearly and come up with reasonable, effective long-term solutions.

anita