Hi Gavin,

you’re welcome. I am sorry you’re going around in circles and that you feel you’re out of time (years which I don’t really have anymore) and that you blew it, for good. I know that in your current state of mind, it’s hard to be open to a different perspective.

But I’m still going to tell you that at 51 you’re definitely not out of time for happiness and a new beginning. You may be late for a reconciliation with her, but you’re not late to fix your own life and your own mind (I think I am a person who sometimes doesn’t know his own mind or what’s good for him), and to figure out what is good for you and what you really want in life.

The problem is that I cannot excuse myself and blaming my childhood seems like an excuse to me, or perhaps a way of passing the blame for my actions

Barbara Heffernan, a therapist and coach whom I highly respect, once said: “Healing is a fact-finding, not a fault-finding mission“. We need to know what caused our deficiencies, so we can heal, so we can make up for what is missing. The goal is not to blame your parents and make excuses for yourself, but to know what needs fixing.

We as children have some basic needs that need to be met in their proper time (like the need for safety, love, care, appreciation, validation). And if those are not met, some parts of our complex being remain not properly developed. Emotionally, we remain trapped in a child-like state of feeling selfish (every child is naturally selfish and self-centered), and unable to see the needs of others (I had no empathy in my soul during that insane period of time when I had ignored her). Children who were emotionally abused or neglected didn’t have a chance to learn empathy because they haven’t gotten any empathy themselves.

You hate yourself for being so “diabolically” selfish, and I trust that you might have been very selfish with her. But if you were never shown empathy as a child, how could you give it to her? We cannot give what we don’t first get and internalize. In short, we cannot give what we haven’t received…

I wonder if this speaks to you in any way? Have you felt a lack of empathy and understanding for yourself while growing up? I don’t want to pressure you into talking about it, but if you feel like exploring it some more, I’d be happy to.