Dear Seaturtle and hatchling:

You are welcome!

“I read something on a different forum platform…  when I said “my body’s learned response to love… the real solution is to actually unlearn my body’s learned response to love…  I was referring to this idea of training my brain to put receiving love into a non-danger category”-

– I think that I get it now. I was perplexed yesterday in regard to the idea that love can be perceived as danger. Here is what I figure:

This is what you wrote about your father: “if I wasn’t doing things to his standards I received a very cold version of him, versus his warm personality when I was doing something he defined as efficient and effective” (Oct 10).

At one point on, in your child’s mind, these two versions of your father mixed, so when he gave you his very cold (angry, disapproving) version, you felt badly, and when he gave you his warm (affectionate, approving) version, you felt either a mix of good and bad, or you just felt badly.. or indifferent. But you didn’t feel good because his very-cold-version was pre-imprinted in your brain  Fast forward, when someone gives you love, in your mind, you are experience the mix that you received in childhood.

And so, it is not love that you are rejecting, but the mix of love and disapproval/ anger.

“I fear that if I allow people closer than an arms distance, they will see behind my mask and be disgusted and reject me“- from one point on, when your father gave you his warm version, you knew it was only a matter of time before he gives you his cold version, and because a parent is a figurative mirror to the child, you figured that he was only reacting to.. two versions of you: the Approved Version (the mask) and the Disapproved Version (underneath the mask).

“My question is this, Is my brain defending me from love?“- no, the brain defends itself from anger and disapproval, not from affection and approval.

“I will have to get to know hatchling more…“- yes, get to know her more. It will make a huge, positive difference in your life!

anita