I have just told my boyfriend of a year that I needed a break to think about our relationship and if it’s gonna work. I have this problem of not understanding my own emotions until it’s very late… Until he read it from my body language and the expressions of my face. We both graduated and things just didn’t feel the same anymore and I was growing uncertain of our future together and if there ever could be one. I wanted to be alone. That was just it, I wanted to be alone cause our dates felt like work and I felt constantly on surveillance with how he accurately read everything my body displayed. He is the most loving person I’ve ever met. He loves me so much and I know that for a fact so when I finally met with him after 12 days of asking for a break and telling him I need more time so I can be absolutely sure about my feelings so I won’t cause any of us regrets in the future and when he started telling me how much he loves, how I was his only source of hope and why he was looking forward for the future how he wanted to marry me how we could never love anyone else how he’d imagined we’d last forever how all he’s been doing was to have a good life with me and when he said all this over and over fighting off tears…. I felt wretched! I felt so dirty and so cruel and heartless. Why did I start this whole thing if I was gonna be like this in the end?? I couldn’t bear the pain of causing HIM pain! But I was unhappy too. Our conversations were dull and strained, I had to always order coffee or soda to save money and not stress him out either since he’s also a fresh graduate with a job that pays so little! We weren’t in that comfortable-talk-nonsense-leave-satisfied kind of relationship… We never had that. Since the very start I was the one coming up with topics to talk about but somehow he seemed absolutely fine with our dates as long as I was there. But I wasn’t. And he read it off my face which stressed me even more. I broke out crying in the middle of the road after I hurriedly left the cafe when he said all those things and my mind went numb. He came and hugged me and I just sobbed like a baby. I wanted to die.

I told my father today about it after my mom insisted about asking my father’s advice and he immediately told me to pray and repent for ruining this man’s life for dragging him into this and not seeing this to the end. For being like my aunt who married a man who constantly abuses her when she rejected another guy who loves her so much. Who cried about her since he was very heartbroken. He asked how I’m any different from any heathen girl. What are my reasons for wanting to leave him? Did I just not like him anymore? That’s it??? I just stared at him with no answer and just said goodnight and left their bedroom. I fear God will punish me for breaking his heart and I’m entertaining the idea of staying in the relationship anyway and just seeing how it goes… I’m also thinking about leaving early in the morning tomorrow to go somewhere where I can be alone, we have church tomorrow and they’ll probably kill me especially mom but I can not be with them like this.

I don’t know what to do.