Dear Stacy:

You are welcome, I am glad you liked the poem!

 “I saw he was capable and willing to meet my needs and expectations from the get-go“- I think that this was a false belief on your part, and that in reality he was not capable of meeting your needs, not from the get go, and not at any time during the relationship (or after).

Think of it: you thought he was capable from the get-go.. before really getting to know him. To me, it means that you were so desperate (then and still) to get your needs met(a need for self-esteem, for one) that you only imagined that he was capable.

“until something changed his mind about us. Knowing SOMETHING changed feels personal as he was super into us before. And this is why I do feel I was too much for him“- whatever changed in his mind, in reality, is not the difference between your needs being met AND your needs not being met. But for as long as you (falsely) believe that he was capable of what he was not capable of, the fact that he changed his mind feels .. catastrophic, and (using the first words of the title of your thread) “Extremely painful“.

“So you’re saying that even if I finally got with someone who was a healthy fit for me, it still wouldn’t work out until I became securely attached in myself?“-

– not exactly: a man who is a healthy fit for you (a man capable in his own life) could have helped you in your mission and overall journey to become securely attached in yourself (using your words). But your ex-boyfriend was not a healthy fit for you because he was not capable in his own life: he lived with his parents, didn’t have plans to move out, didn’t have a formal education or a career, made money mostly by dog sitting, and his interest has become an online influencer (not in getting an education, not in starting a career).

There is nothing about what you shared about him in your 7-page thread that makes me think that he was capable of helping you in any way. I think that his words at times made you feel very good, but that good feeling didn’t last and couldn’t last.

“I keep getting reminded lately of when he admitted to me early on that he was struggling about his ex…  He said he felt anger and shame for being cheated on“-

– On Sept 6, in your original post, you wrote: “He has never had a real relationship/girlfriend until me, all his others were failed situationships and hookups“- I didn’t know there was such a thing as cheating in the situationship or hookup that he had with this particular woman you refer to as his ex.

“Yet when he broke up with ME, he was indifferent and wouldn’t even allow me to fight for us. There was no fight for us or passion or pain in losing me that night and since then in him. I see he’s capable of feeling pain and loss for people as he showed me with his ex. Does this mean he actually didn’t feel strongly towards me in the first place like he did her as I feared all along?“-

– I think that you view him as a much deeper, contemplative man than he really is. It is you, Stacy, who thinks and feels a lot. He doesn’t. After all, you shared that he is on “ADHD and depression meds” (original post) and both the mental disorders and the meds’ side effects affect a person’s cognitive abilities, including the ability to keep a thought in the mind for long.

“I’m bitter that I wasn’t fought for but someone he didn’t even get to date over the span of two months who cheated on him can cause him so much distress“-

– (1) I don’t think that he experienced as much distress, or for long, that you think he experienced over the other woman. (2) He didn’t fight for her either: “he written her a long and scathing good riddance paragraph,.. and that he realized it was pointless so he just deleted the paragraph instead and blocked her“- no fighting there.

“hoping that maybe it wasn’t that I was too much for him or anything I did to cause him to bail, but that he really isn’t equipped or willing to show up for anyone“- I think it’s  both: he isn’t equipped to have a healthy relationship and you were too much for him. ANY WOMAN would be too much for him because he isn’t more equipped to have a healthy relationship than he is to lead a healthy, independent life overall.

“I do hope to find power in my heart and the power to carry on because every single day is such a struggle to have any hope“-

– The poet Emily Dickinson, in her poem HOPE uses the metaphor of “Hope” being likened unto a bird that does not disappear when it encounters hardships or “storms”. Here is the first public version of the poem:

“‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers- That perches in the soul,- And sings the tune without the words,- And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;- And sore must be the storm- That could abash the little bird- That kept so many warm.

I ‘ve heard it in the chillest land,- And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity,- It asked a crumb of me”

anita