Hi Anita

“I think that this was a false belief on your part, and that in reality he was not capable of meeting your needs, not from the get go, and not at any time during the relationship (or after).” — Perhaps the trials we didn’t actually get the chance to experience together were already piling up in his mind, but he should have told me, just as he told me at the beginning of our relationship that he was still struggling with the drama from his ex. I really appreciated that transparency and expected him to keep being emotionally open and checking in with me like this, but he stopped. After he stopped bringing things to me, I assumed he was content.

“…whatever changed in his mind, in reality, is not the difference between your needs being met AND your needs not being met.” — I have read this sentence over and over today, at work and at home. I don’t know how to believe it because when two people are emotionally invested, it motivates them to want to work together. I wish I had met him at a more healed stage. I’m bitter that he told me after the breakup that he was “eternally grateful for me for showing him he is worthy of love.” My emotional mind wants to say, “Great! Glad I could be your ego boost for a year while you have no desire in how this will affect me moving forward.” It’s also insulting to learn that somewhere along the line, he just decided to himself that our relationship would inevitably end at a certain point so he stopped future planning with me in mind. It’s just that something in me doesn’t get it.

“I didn’t know there was such a thing as cheating in the situationship or hookup that he had with this particular woman you refer to as his ex.” — That’s a good point. He claimed they never made anything official but that she was hooking up with someone who wouldn’t date her, so she was using my ex as a rebound and to make this other guy jealous. I found it confusing and a little worrisome that my ex referred to it as a situationship, yet also seemed like they were in a commitment. I still feel like he might have used me as a rebound to get back at her in his mind, even unknowingly.(I know, I’m doing it again. I think I make a lot of fatalistic conclusions so as to try to gain control).

Also, in reference to the part where you said he didn’t seem to fight for her either, I was more so referring to the fact that he even HAD the energy and fire in him to keep going with her in conversation, to “prove” his point to her. It shows he cared. When he dumped me, he had nothing else to explain and was done – he tried to wrap it up poetically by quoting our first Hinge conversation, hoping it would appease me. If there is one thing I wish I would have said that night, it’s that THAT is such a hurtful and ridiculous way to end a relationship with someone.

The Emily Dickinson poem was very nice, thank you. I haven’t read much of her work since high school, I should start again. The visuals remind me of the 2007 Sweeney Todd film with the character of Johanna being locked in her bedroom, singing to a bird in a cage and looking wistfully outside her window seeing people going about their lives below. She sings through her pain and it gives her hope, even if it’s all she has. I always really resonated with the idea of being JUST out of reach for what you long for and feeling powerless to your surroundings.