Dear Seaturtle:

No reason to apologize to me.. you have done me no wrong!

“I feel like he was not always this way and I fear I turned him into..“- his father and mother turned him into what he is during his Formative Years aka his childhood, when he was formed. He met you after his formative years. You do not have this kind of power over him.

“confused about whether or not he is intentionally being controlling or gaslighting and if we just have different views that lead to this dynamic“- (1)  if he is controlling and gaslighting unintentionally but consistently, he is still controlling and gaslighting. (2) when my mother hit me (I was a child, later a teenager), her view was that I made her hit me. (“Look what you did to me“, she’d exclaim). I was confused and believed her. Did the two of us have .. two different but legitimate views about that dynamic…?

I am sorry that I cannot help further at this point. Maybe you should not meet him for a while, maybe you should have quality psychotherapy before meeting him again..? (I will soon be away from the computer).

anita