My, the night went differently than I could have expected!

So after our last argument, me feeling he was being passive aggressive and heavily concerned he was gaslighting me he suggested a prompt for our date last night. 1-How will you change to better the relationship, 2-what do you appreciate about the other person, 3-how could the other person change to help you/the relationship.

I was so anxious, knowing it could be the last night of our relationship, and he definitely felt that from me.

So he picked me up on time, and we went to an Italian restaurant. We sat down and had a glass of wine and some appetizers and after some small talk decided to start our answers to the date questions. 1-How will you change to better the relationship: He started, he said he was going to start taking better care of himself, his home cleanliness and eating habits, things that he said went astray when I left! I had no idea he realized this but he had been slacking in the hygiene area of his life after I left. Definitely bleeding into our relationship and I appreciated this answer, he had clearly thought about it and answered with something that was not easy to admit. It was my turn and I forgot my answer… I was so focused on question 3 that I put less focus into 1, which is sad but I understand why, because I am doing so much for the relationship here so it was hard for me to even come up with something MORE I could be doing, as I am already exhausted trying to see the situation for what it is.

2- I said “You encourage me to do what I love to do” and I had a second one “You are willing to try to communicate and don’t like going to sleep upset with eachother” a few nights ago we had a phone argument about money, it was a miscommunication on both sides and when we figured it out he said he wanted to come over to cuddle up and I just appreciate that he likes to hug or be loving after an argument, it makes me feel safe.

He said “I really like that you keep us present, even when we are doing nothing it is at least present with you.” I appreciated that he noticed this, I did not know that he did.

And the dreaded 3. He didn’t even get to his answer here because I started and it took up the rest of our night. I was proud of myself though, because I was able to speak clearly and I did not allow him to gaslight me again, which he was trying to do. However I have a new perspective now, here is how it went. I know you warned against telling him he was gaslighting me, but I was confident enough to be firm in this and confront him, agreeing with myself that if he denied it it would be over. I started by talking about my dad, I said:

“When I was young, my dad gaslit be constantly. With my car, with everything he ever gave me or provided for me. He genuinely gaslit me very intensely. This is not something I can put up with in a relationship, and when you tell me the things I ‘worry’ about don’t matter, it is gaslighting. I reminded him of the cash in the grocery story again, and told him that when I approached him about this after and he was “unbothered” and acted like nothing was wrong, that this was gaslighting.” He asked questions about what gaslighting even was and I was very precise about it. He went on to gaslight me again about this situation, he said “it was a joke” and I said “no it was not. It was not. I remember it correctly and see this twisting of my reality is not okay. My life partner should not be making me doubt myself.” He nodded at this seeming to begin to understand or at least try. I went on about how damaging the victim of being gaslit can be. He did say, and is concerning but I am still evaluating the night, we are still together and I am still deciding how I should deal with this, but end of our night he said something that made me really have a new perspective about everything, I will tell you in order of how everything happened though. He said “Do you think the victim is always right?” I was soooo skeptical of him in this moment, what on earth does that mean I said. He replied “So every time you feel a certain way it is my fault?” And this is where I am glad I was speaking through my higher self because I did not foresee this kind of questioning. I said “Not necessarily but that is not what I am talking about. I am telling you that the cash situation was not a joke at all, it was serious, I did not feel anxious for no reason, you were investigating me” He shook his head no, he did not understand what I was saying and he defended himself left and right. I said “you are deflecting responsibility.” I went on to tell him the gravity of gaslighting, after understanding that he genuinely did not socially understand how what he did was impactful to me, he literally did not understand how I could take his reaction as if he was investigating or judging me at all. I said “There’s multiple issues here, but it sounds like it is starting with you literally having a lack of awareness about how you come across. For example, the other day when you called me at work and I asked how your day was you went on to say ‘oh it was such an easy day, just 9-5 today and I have so much time, damn that is such an easy schedule,’ I was on the other line like, does he not realize I work from 10-5? is he being extremely passive aggressive, what is his deal? I literally sat on the other line thinking you were completely oblivious and decided to ignore it as you do that sometimes, and more often recently.” When I went on about this example he looked completely defeated, he said something along the lines of “I had no idea I came across that way.” I genuinely believed him, he looked completely stunned at all that I was saying, he stopped trying to defend it, aka further gaslight me. But I continued “Gaslighting is not something i can deal with, it is so scary and confusing for me when I feel like you are telling me something I intuitively felt, did not happen. That is so damaging to who I am you cannot do that to me because the scary thing is sometimes I will believe you! and I will take responsibility for things that are not mine to take, and you will put me down” He said “I don’t mean to be manipulative I-” I interrupted and said “it doesn’t matter if it is on accident because at the end of the day it puts me down. This is a huge area of incompatibility. You are over here socially unaware of how you are coming across to me, then me, as a sensitive being, gets my feelings hurt by you. Then I approach you and you think you did nothing wrong because you weren’t even aware of it. Do you see how we would just wear eachother down here? You feel accused all the time and don’t understand, and I have my feelings hurt and denied.” At this point we both had tears in our eyes. I think we both knew it could be ending right there. I said “There can be a solution, but it has to be you increasing your awareness of how you are treating me so that you either stop, or when I approach you about it you can at least see it, and not deny my feelings, which ultimately is you gaslighting me.” The conversation in the restaurant ended here. He got quiet and looked in shock and defeated and hopeless. I said “babe you can’t shut down on me now” and he said he wanted to leave the restaurant. I looked around and they were closing up, so we got the check and then separately went to the bathroom, when I came back I hugged him, unplanned I think I knew he needed it and he hugged me more delicately than he ever has, he didn’t even fully grab me, he just had one hand through my hair and the other lightly on my back, accepting my hug. I imagined that he was about to cry in that moment, but as soon as I looked at him there was no trace of the tears.

We got in the car to go home and the conversation continued. And this is the part of the night that changed my perspective on what kind of man I have in front of my and how I now just have a decision if this is what I am willing to accept in a partner. It was as vulnerable as I have seen him, only a handful of times. His bestfriend, we will call D, has been very close with N. The funny thing is actually D and I get along very well, our fathers are almost identical, so we understand eachother well. I like hanging out with D and N, it is a fun trio the three of us, D is able to explain N to me. They were college roommates and played football together, and now play video games online and on the phone with eachother multiple times a week since I moved out. When I lived there he did not play much at all, once a month maybe. On the phone, N has told me that D helps him understand me and they are eachothers support in a lot of ways. Anyways so, we are in the care, me and N, driving home and continue our conversation and he says (perhaps looking away from me helps him to open up…this may be becoming a pattern)

“I feel so hopeless because everything you just told me about my lack of awareness, D just told me the same time and has been telling me for a while now.” This was so validating to me I was glad that I was not the only one! He went on to say “this is what I have meant when I told you I don’t like first impressions. being homeschooled messed me up. I don’t understand how to read people and I definitely did not understand body language for a long time and had to learn. In football coaches often told me I was apathetic and I had no idea what they meant because I was in love with the sport, how could they say that. But it was becoming a pattern of people telling me this, so I knew I needed to change something. I had to learn how to show coaches that I wanted to be there. D tells me all the time that I have no awareness, it has been a joke amongst my friends for years. I don’t like first impression because I don’t know how to behave, and I don’t know how to read other people’s behavior. I am retarded or something I don’t know.”

I was absolutely wowed, just had the biggest “ah ha” moment. He LITERALLY did not know how was coming across, all those times I thought he was being passive aggressive and said I was too sensitive… he seriously thought I was, he was not trying to deny my feelings. This alleviated a weight off my shoulders that he was being purposely rude to me. I received a heavy dose of grace for him in this moment. The fact all his close football friends said the same thing about him… Something about learning all this made me realize that his validation of me feelings literally does not matter, he doesn’t understand them at all he is the last person I should be seeking validation from. I was right, I can trust my own intuition that he was saying rude things. But it is also validating to my confusion, because I have been so confused, he has been “rude” in the strangest times when I am like why are you ruining this moment? and then he will say why are you ruining this moment by brining this stupid thing up. It just all makes sense now, because at his core he is so sweet and gentle so this gaslighting about his rudeness did not make sense in my head to his character and now I realize the issue is so much deeper in him and engrained in him long before me and nothing to do with me. I know you have assured me of this but I was able to see it first hand. Feeling relieved the night actually completely turned around and was much lighter. My grace for his literal much deeper problem lightened the way I was questioning him, I went from skepticism and sternness to genuine curiosity. Remembering you mentioning this before I did ask him “have you ever looked up online how to behave?” He said “No” he was kind of grossed out by the question, he said “I don’t want people to respond superficially to me” which this answer does fall into what I know of his character, and the answer I sort of assumed.

This new realization that he just has some social awareness issues, perhaps some sort of mental illness here I felt compassion and maybe I could learn to love this about him, and be able to take his comments less personally. I wondered why the universe brought us together, I am no doubt exactly the type of partner he needs, but is this something I can love about him and help him? I think further learning is needed for me to decide now that my perspective of the situation is different due to his actual intentions being pure.

Laying on my bed I continued to ask him questions. I asked “when you are inadvertently rude how should I approach it? because I don’t want you to say rude things to me and want to know why, but I hesitate cause I don’t want to annoy you” and he said “just ask me with no emotion in your questioning. when I come across rude to others I am usually actually just upset with myself about something” I was like “oh so when you make rude comments to me you are really making them to yourself?” This was a new concept to him he said “huh..” and I said “hurt people hurt people, it makes sense.”

curious to hear your reply to this,

Seaturtle