Dear Rosie:

I am back to you 2nd thing this morning.

“Since you can relate to my story… Do you still feel weighed down and tired?“-

– Even though I am so much older than I was as a teenager, I have so much more energy that it amazes me. I work physically every day in a local apple and pear farm and I am known (as someone who worked hard his whole life told me) “the hardest working person I know”.

“Since you can relate to my story, what did you do about your relationship with your mother?“- one thing I did, as soon as I was able to, was to give her all the cash I had at the time (I was in my late 20s) so that she can put a down payment on a bigger apartment in a better location (the great majority of people live in apartments in the country I’m from) because she complained so much over the years that the apartment we lived in was too small (it is very small) and in a bad location.

I made that money in my first full time job in the U.S., and planned to use it to buy my own place in the U.S., but of course, my mother came first. It so happened that the price of apartments in the country I am from (where my mother lived) went up significantly at the time and the money I gave her wasn’t enough (so she said, I didn’t check).

I wrote that she came first. I wasn’t even a second in my own mind/ in my own life. I felt too guilty for my life to be about me. I had to become a good daughter before I could feel justified to be number 1 in my own life. And by number 1, I don’t mean being selfishly # 1. I mean being of any significance to myself.

Ten years ago I cut all contact with her. I felt guilty about it for year. With therapy at the time (2011-13) and working on my mental health through my daily participation in these forums since 2015, I finally- recently-  feel okay about the no contact. I finally feel free from the Guilt and.. the result: I am no longer weighted down. I have energy.. I feel alive.

“I personally feel as though my mom somewhat expects me and my siblings to take care of her problems. When me and my younger sisters were children, we used to give her whatever money we had“- same as I did. I never felt that I deserved money that I earned, I felt that it must be hers because I had to compensate her for having .. me as her daughter. Even before I ever worked, I felt too guilty to use her money and did my best to spend as little as I could. As an adult, I often lived in horrendous conditions because I wanted to save money and give it to her.

“My brother brought the last car that my mother drove“- this reminds me: when my mother arrived to the U.S. intending to stay, I drove her around in my old car. I was just beginning my first full-time job and was very stressed. I totaled my old car. Even though she didn’t have a driver’s license (in any country), I bought her an almost new car in her favorite color: red,  one of her favorite makes: Ford Mustang, thinking she’ll get a license and drive it.

I hated that car, but it was for her. When she saw it, she said: this is not red, it’s the color of  burgundy! I was so distressed at the time I bought the car that I thought it was red.

Point of this story is that I never succeeded to please my mother, to receive her approval/ her OK to live my own life.

Back to you: “In her apartment there was mold growing in the bathroom and spreading onto the walls and ceiling. She complained about it and was embarrassed of it. I randomly decided to paint the bathroom for her one day. A few days later I started to ponder, if it bothered her so much, why didn’t she ever try to paint it herself? The bathroom has looked like that for years”- reads like Learned Helplessness, on your mother part, feeling incapable to solve her own problems.

“While I struggle with my family issues, I also struggle in my personal relationships. I feel like my peers have it easier than me… I haven’t been anywhere. I do not feel like I can relate to my boyfriend’s family or friends because I don’t have anything to add to their conversations. I also do not feel truly accepted by them”-

– I too very much struggled in my personal relationships.. I hardly had any personal relationships. I did travel (to Europe and from there, to the U.S., and within the U.S.) but .. I haven’t been anywhere other than the same old, same old place: in between my ears. I too, from a very early age, felt that others- my peers- had it so much better and I felt like an outsider everywhere.

“I don’t really feel good in any specific area of my life right now. Usually when I feel down, I try to focus my energy in the area of my life that is going the best, but right now I don’t know what area that would be“-

– I think that I feel your despair, that not-really-living feeling that I had, not being a part of what is good out there, sort of rotting while still being alive.. That’s how I felt so often and for so long. Is that how you feel…?

anita