Hi Anita,

Apologies for such a delayed response. School work keeps me very occupied.

I feel I need to address what you said in your last post, for I do not agree with them and felt that what you think and said rather invalidates and dismisses my feelings and experiences. To be honest, it did infuriate me. However, my intention is to let you know how your words have made me feel, not distress you, so I hope that does not happen. I want you to imagine me saying all of this calmly, with a soft tone. I am not yelling at you in any way.

As I said earlier in this thread, I do not think I am “projecting” my mother, and your repeatedly suggesting the same is invalidating my feelings and experiences. While one’s relationships with one’s parents are influential, they are not all that influence one’s life and feelings. What you are saying about projection is reducing me down to a child with a difficult relationship with their parent. And by extension you are saying that the anger and hurt I felt at my boyfriend’s behaviour toward me was only a result of that difficult relationship, and I should not be feeling angry because it is misplaced anger I felt toward my mother. But I bet even a person who has a good relationship with their parents would be angry and hurt at their partner scolding them for an hour and personally attacking them with things they confided in their partner. I feel unsafe sharing things with my boyfriend because he used them against me, to hurt me, in a fight; feeling unsafe like that has everything to do with how he behaved with me (which has happened again since I last replied on this thread) and nothing to do with my mother. I did not feel unsafe like this with my ex. I think anybody would feel the same way. Saying my anger toward my boyfriend is a result of life-long anger towards my mother is dismissing my experience with my boyfriend. Yes, I was scolded a lot as a child, and it affects me if someone scolds me today. But wouldn’t it affect anyone, if their partner scolded them for a long time, irrespective of their mother?

Like I said, while relationships with parents are influential, your character and your perception of the world is based on an interaction among lots of factors. And yet, some things are objectively uncool, like your boyfriend attacking you. I feel you are reducing me down to this one part of my life and assume a lot of things about me, which is unfair to me. For example, in one of the threads, I had mentioned my mother was a single mother, and you immediately assumed that my father had left us, when the reality is that my father died a sudden death, and he actually loved my mother and me very much. Not only did you make an assumption, your choice of words was rather harsh, attacking my mother, which I really had not appreciated. I wish you would see me as a whole person, with lot many experiences you may be unaware of, instead of just a scared and angry little girl.

About my mother, we have a difficult relationship, and now I can see why because I see her as a whole person, not just my mother. I see all that she has done for me, all that she has given me despite some very serious difficulties she faced. And despite all I have said about her, I do love her. I communicate with her, and I can see her understand things about me and see her actively try with me. I have chosen to let go of the bitterness I had about her, because really it was serving nobody.

I am sorry that you had such a hard time with your mother. But I think you are projecting yourself onto me because you can relate to me in that both of us have a difficult relationship with our mothers. But my life and circumstances, and my feelings and thoughts and how I react to situations, are different than yours. I wish you keep that in mind too.

About this instance, I would like to clarify that I was not riddled with self-doubt when he talked about my becoming a therapist. I was hurt that he chose to throw it at me like that; it was way below the belt and a very uncool thing to say. Also, same about him breaking up with me. I did not feel that he should not break up with me. By all means, if it is what he needs, he should. What shocked me that he threatened to do it in a manner where he would just vanish from my life without a word. I do not think it is wrong to say I do not deserve that. I do not in any way disagree that I can be unempathetic and rude at times, but I was also 100% willing to work on it, which is why I told him to point it out to me when I am being like that, because I am unaware of it and would very much like not to hurt him.

I hope my words are not too harsh, for I have done my best to be mindful of your feelings and be honest at the same time.

Hope you’re doing well…