Hi Anita

Thank you for responding to me so promptly while I was at work.

Also, thank you for the insurance question suggestions, they are really good. I’ll bring these to whoever I can as soon as I can. The only thing I know is that the insurance offered is a good insurance, but unfortunately my gastro doctor I really like is not covered under it. I’m grateful I will be getting coverage of ANY kind now either way, of course too. I assume that I wouldn’t be fired because my position has a bad reputation of high turnover and they are actively trying very hard to not continue that as it looks bad on us. My position is actually supposed to be a “specialist” position, but they broke this full-time position up into two part-time positions when I was hired. I am overqualified but my manager told me they won’t promote me because of budgeting, but that they are going to try to reevaluate the raise/promotion in the new fiscal year. That’s the only growth I could receive with my bachelor’s degree. However, I don’t think they will be particularly happy with me if I go back on my word about taking full time, so there is some concern there.

“… I hope that you receive quality counseling soon. I hope that in counseling, you will unearth your I-am-not-special core belief, examine it, challenge it and resolve it. Once resolved, your ex will no longer have the place in your mind and life that he’s had for so long. You will no longer follow his social media activity, ruminate about him and verbalizing your rumination to friends, and in doing so, negatively affect them.” — Thank you, that would be a dream come true for me to no longer feel so controlled by what he thinks of me. It’s such an emotional and mental cage to be in because I would inevitably compare him to any future people I date, and also the trust issues I now have from him will negatively affect things for me even more too.

“Imagine being covered by a large filter so that part of your immediate experience is completely blocked from your awareness while other parts are exaggerated or highlighted by the filter…” …”You have a belief you are socially undesirable“. — I think this makes a lot of sense. One of my biggest desires in a relationship is just simply being seen and made to feel like I’m special. My dad never paid attention to me and I never even really talked to him. He wasn’t mean to me, just absent. When I got his attention, it made me nervous and like I really had to perform to keep it up. But the attention was fleeting. I see this pattern with the men I date and I think another reason why I feel undesirable is because I can easily get men to find me intriguing or interesting to talk to at first, and then once they meet me in real life, or spend so many months together, they always start losing interest. It’s very difficult to not internalize this pattern of men repeatedly being so enthusiastic about me and so wanting to love and invest in me and then completely exiting the picture. It’s draining and makes me feel crazy. It’s what we’ve talked about here: this theme of inconsistency with the people closest to me.