Dear Seaturtle:

I was worried about you but wanting to give you space, I didn’t inquire. I am sorry that you’ve been feeling worse health wise and (understandably) emotionally as well.

“Last night I missed my friend N, (please don’t roll your eyes…“- I didn’t even feel an inclination to roll my eyes.

“The air has been tense between us since and I feel judged by her“- I am sad about M not being a friend to you, particularly at a time when you need a friend!

“Anita I just want to crawl into a cave. I feel like I don’t know what is right or wrong right now… I miss them, and I started to feel like I did break up with him coldly and not honoring the good“- understandably you want to crawl into a cave: you’ve been having a difficult time for a long time regarding the relationship with N, and then Covid hit. Having broken up with N, there is no one to hug you… I understand.

“Please don’t take this offensively Anita, but I just want to be honest because I need to be. Last night as I was questioning how things ended and wondering… he cash and n-word were the final straws, and I do still believe valid reasons… But you have helped me see all these things and I started to wonder what is in this for you?…What gives you the grace and wisdom to help all of us?“-

– I find a very positive meaning to my life in communicating with you and with others in these forums. It helps me to heal and become a better person. As you know, I encouraged the relationship between you and N repeatedly and for a long time until you shared about the cash and N word incidents. So, you can see that I didn’t have an agenda to lead you to break up with him until.. I got to know him through our communication here.

If you choose to contact him and even get back with him, I’d still communicate with you. I will not judge you or roll my eyes or anything like that. I understand that your life is.. your life and I don’t have the right to tell you what to do, nor would it be helpful to you if I told you what to do.

I wish you had in-person/ irl emotional support right now so that N does not seem to be your only option for irl comfort, and so that you don’t make a decision to contact him out of desperation.

“Anyways back to why it is a hard morning for me, despite the hard times with N, if I was ever sick or really upset he would come over to comfort me…  he was always someone a phone call away from coming to give me a hug (reminds me of when you said to hug myself, so I just did). I am really trying my best here but I am sad and don’t know what is next for me. My finances are playing into my stress as well…  I got covid…  I just had this while breakup planned healthy and I got knee injured and sick, I feel stuck…“- You are having a difficult time, Seaturtle, in multiple ways. Can you ask your father for financial help, since he has plenty of money?

And are you taking care of yourself physically/ did you see a doctor on zoom or whatnot?

anita